Hi, I’m Ally.
And I have an Addiction.
To Myself.
Today, I sat at my laptop working on some support letters, typing them up and placing stamps and address labels on each one. I had been working on these for a few days, and there always seemed to be a bump somewhere- the labels wouldn’t print, where was the paper, I didn’t put paper in the printer, crap I just got chocolate on the envelope, that is not the abbreviation for Drive, and so on and so on.
Today I was almost done and I looked down to see that I had put 50+ address labels on upside down on the envelopes. And by golly, I cried.
Now I didn’t cry because I was sad, yea I had to peel all the labels off and put them on again, but I wasn’t sad.
I didn’t shed a tear because I was angry, I wasn’t angry.
I cried that cry because I pitied myself. I cried that cry because I was disappointed in what I was doing. I cried that cry because to me, at that point, I wasn’t good enough.
While here, thoughts overwhelmed me-
“I need to make more appointments.”
“I need to send out more support letters”
“I need to meet my OWN expectations”
“I need to write better.”
“I need to pray harder.”
“I, I, I, I, me, me, me, ME“
I even thought “What the heck God, help me meet my own goals here, how am I going to do everything this beautiful journey to minister around the world entails if I don’t have enough drive, enough sacrifice?”
Until suddenly, I realized I was right. I’m not good enough, and I can’t complete all the tasks myself. I can’t do it alone.
In a society where success is based on achievements, it is easy to become self-focused. I used to teach English to a young couple from China who said they were taught in school one motto for the students to retain “I believe in myself.” From school systems to the work force, to sports to family competition, we are consistently expected to be all we can be, to rely on yourself because you can achieve it all, you can do it all by yourself!
Woohoo!
And that’s how I was going through building my team of supporters.
Until I realized today, I can’t do it all, I just can’t.
I needed a secretary of sorts, I needed support, I needed someone to help me check off that list, persevere through all that writing, someone who could give me the right words to say, the right words to write.
And if I just rely on me and me alone, it isn’t enough.
And That’s completely OK because-He is enough and that is all that matters.
God didn’t call me to be this missionary because He thought I could (as that one rap song goes) Do it All by myself ehhhy
He said to me, hey Ally, we can do this together and I am going to teach you things you could never learn alone, and I am going to take you places you can’t even imagine, because when you rely on Me and not Yourself You can overcome all things.
I must put aside my own expectations and my own self-reliance. My five step checklist may not always match up with His and I trust that is OK- and it isn’t the end of the world.
So what if all that I can do, isn’t good enough? What if the extent of what my own abilities aren’t qualified enough to reach that fundraising goal or aren’t organized enough to give all thanks and praise where thanks and praise is due?
That’s OK, because His abilities are- He is good enough, He is enough, and He can fill in all those holes and check off everything on that list that I can’t seem to do alone. He doesn’t always call the equipped, but He does equip the called.
Yes, I’m addicted to myself, to fulfilling my own goals, to relying on my own abilities and those alone. And it hinders my decisions in life and effects my outlooks. But I am realizing more and more as I grow how much more satisfying and reliable it is to trust God and not myself. I don’t have to be everything and what a blessing that is! His is a loving God who will take our hands and walk with us through the trials and tribulations of life, will walk with me towards the ministry opportunity of a lifetime. And that hand is such a wonderful one to hold.
“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:37
