When God says Give

 
Obedience is what God desires, but so often I find myself being disobedient. I find myself thinking that my ways are better than the ways of the God who created the earth and the sky and the sea by speaking them into existence. He created man from dust, breathed the breath of life into his nostrils, and then the man became a living being. He has adopted me as His daughter and equipped me for every good work He calls me to, yet in my pride and selfishness, I still find myself telling Him no..
 
It was Tuesday morning, about 9:00 am and we were told that we were going to minister to street kids. We had already gone to a school that morning to sing songs, perform dramas, and share testimonies with the students. Before we left, I put on my flip-flops and the thought occurred to me to wear my tennis shoes. I never wear my tennis shoes unless I'm going for a run. I almost excused the idea, but then changed my mind.
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As we loaded up the car and left, I really had no idea where we were going. About 20 minutes down the road we pulled into the city dump. I stepped out of the car and within 10 seconds I thought I was going to throw up. The smell was almost unbearable. I can’t even begin to explain it, but I walked over to the side of the dump, bent over, and just prayed that God would not let me throw up right here in the middle of this place. I felt my stomach churning and just sat there, head down, begging God to just give me fresh air. A few minutes later my friend Amanda walked over. She made sure I was okay, and then we started talking about what it looks like to really love and care for people. She asked, "How do you really know people care about you?"  As I was thinking about an answer, I started thinking more about how the people in this dump knew that we cared about them.  
           
A few minutes later I started to feel less like I was going to lose my breakfast in the middle of the dump, and more like I wanted to go do something to be Jesus to these people in the short amount of time I had left.
Then I met Monica…
 
Monica is 15 and she literally lives right next to the dump. I asked her the only questions I knew in Spanish, and then the conversation died. I started thinking about how frustrating it is to be in another place and not know the language. I can’t have more than a two-minute conversation with people. I started complaining to God. I told Him I just wanted to be able to ask her what she needs so that I could at least know how to really pray for her. His response,  "Why don’t you ask ME what she needs."
 
Well, I hadn’t really thought about that, so I said, "Oh—okay God, what does she need?"

He said, "Give her your shoes."
 
Back up to August: My sister, Anna, made these awesome blue Nikes for me and gave them to me right before I left for the race. They were awesome. She made them my favorite color and put one of my favorite verses on them. I in no way ever intended to part with these shoes…
 
                                                             

So obviously my response came pretty quick…I simply said “No." 
And then I began to make excuses, "I can’t give her my shoes God. They probably wont even fit her. I can't ask her if she wants them because she can't understand me. What if she thinks I'm crazy?"
 
About that time, our contact called us all together to pray over the people we had been talking to. We prayed, and then while everyone was still gathered we started handing out crackers, cookies and popsicles. While we were praying and handing out food, all I could think about was how I had not listened to God's voice. I continued to argue with Him, and He begin to show me how prideful and self-centered I was being.
 
They’re just shoes. Meaningless. Worthless. Insignificant.
 
What do I really value? If I really understand and fear God, why would I ever tell Him no? I started to get really angry with myself. That morning while sharing my testimony, I spoke about how God had really started to change my heart and show me how to love other more than myself, and here I am a few hours later thinking of myself before this little girl.
 
As I handed out the last pack of crackers I had, I knew I needed to give Monica my shoes but when I turned to look for her, Monica was literally no where to be found. The dump is pretty big, and if she had walked off I should have seen her walking away because not much time had passed. But she was gone.
So then I said, "Okay, God, now what? She’s gone so what do I do now?" 
God said, “I still want you to give away your shoes."
 
At this point, I knew the shoes had to go. I walked back towards some of the houses and started to pray about whom to give my shoes to. After going to two houses, it was time to leave. I looked over and saw one of my teammates talking to two little girls and two boys at one of the houses I had already visited. I walked over, and that’s where I met Marcella.
 
I looked at her tiny shoeless feet, and knew that she was the one who needed my shoes. When I asked her if she wanted them, she looked up at me in her Spiderman shorts and light blue top, with big brown eyes and dark brown hair hanging down to her shoulders, and she nodded her head yes. I took them off and watched her place her small feet inside. They were a little big, but I know she can grow into them. I looked into her eyes and told her what the verse on her shoes says. I told her God loved her very much. And she just smiled the sweetest smile. I hugged her and told her I loved her and walked away.
 
I hope and pray that when Marcella puts on those shoes, she will know that some strange white American girl cares about her. But more than that, I hope when she sees John 3:30 on her feet, I hope she knows someone much bigger than me cares about her more than I ever could. I hope she learns to know and love Jesus. I hope that someone goes back to visit her and teaches her what it looks like to be a disciple. I hope that when she learns God’s voice and He tells her to go or stay or speak, she listens.
 
I have no pictures, just mental pictures. It still frustrates me to think about the fact that I literally told God no, but I'm so thankful God gave me a second chance.  When God asks you to do something, He really doesn’t change His mind. But He reminds me daily that His grace is sufficient, and His power is perfected in my weakness. He's also teaching me what it looks like to give myself grace. 

Thankful. Missing you all dearly. Learning more daily. Resting in His goodness and love 🙂