“I’m not ______________ enough”
Fill in the blank with anything you want, “pretty”, “smart”, “funny”, “skinny”, “cool” and whatever it is I was never enough.
Where this feeling came from or when it started I do not know (other than it being from Satan), but it’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life.
These feelings of not being good enough propelled me into a performance-based mentality to try to measure up. I found my worth in success, achievement and outwardly appearances.
Because I based my identity off of these things, making mistakes and failure was shameful to me. My subconscious told me people don’t like failures, they reject them. Therefore, I worked hard to cover up my shortcomings trying to make others and myself believe that I am good enough; I can do it on my own.
While reflecting over this first month of the World Race, I’ve realized through the help of coaches and mentors how much this has carried over into my faith and relationship with God.
Even though I know it is by faith alone in Jesus Christ that saves, I still have a tendency to try to earn my salvation and love from God by becoming a perfect version of myself (Jesus + Ally’s righteousness).
Wendy, one of our coaches said something to our squad the other day that hit home with me. She said, “There is no better version of yourself that God will love more”. This is a truth that I needed to hear and be reminded of. While I know in my head God loves me, I have been believing in my heart that if I was a better version of myself, if I was a “good enough Christian”, God would love me more and be more pleased with me. Because of this, I have been trying to work hard to become that person and to become that better version of myself now.
Before the World Race, I had this picture of who I wanted to become by the end of the race. Since I’m not even close to being that version of myself I desire, I’ve been discouraged with what I see as a lack of growth this last month. I had the hope and expectation that God would “wreck me” right away and I would look more like month 12 Ally, and this is not the case. The truth is this month was pretty easy and I didn’t need to depend and trust in God. Recognizing this a couple weeks ago, I tried to immerse myself in devotionals related to topics on pride, humility and trust in an effort to break down my walls so I could “grow”. But for the most part, I felt the same. It wasn’t until debrief that I realized I was relying on myself to find ways to change and transform rather than on God the only one who can.
I have been trying to change my identity on my own, rather than knowing and accepting the identity the Father has already given me.
During debrief, we did an exercise where we had to write down shame that we had been carrying with us on a postcard. Afterwards, we were given a second postcard and told to ask the Lord who He said we were and then to write it down. When I asked the Lord who I am, I did not hear from Him. Yes, different scriptures on identity came to mind such as Ephesians 1:3-6 where it talks about “I am chosen, blessed, redeemed, adopted, forgiven and accepted” and Psalm 139:14 where it says, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” but I didn’t feel like this was coming from the Lord in that moment. It left me feeling frustrated and unsettled with the silence, and so I disregarded my second postcard.
Well this morning I heard from God who I was! I woke up early this morning to run the stairs that lead up to the landmark cross here in Antigua, which is just up the road from our hostel. Every time I reached the top, I spent a few minutes beholding the cross. On the last time I ran up, I found myself alone at the cross. I took advantage of this time wanting to have a conversation with God. I decided to ask Him again who I was and immediately “You are my beloved, with whom I’m well pleased” came to mind. This is what God spoke about Jesus at his baptism before he started his ministry. I knew this wasn’t my own thought because it was not a scripture I would naturally think of nor have ever claimed for myself. God was speaking to me what I needed to hear from Him; that I am loved right now and He is pleased with me right now. No matter what I do or don’t do or say, His love remains constant.
I desire to walk in this identity, but it is currently a learning and growing process I am digging into currently. Part of me still gives into Satan believing that I am not enough. However, after hearing from God, instead trying to work to become enough, I am trying to rest in who God says I am; a beloved daughter of the Most High God and He is pleased with me.
