Recently and sadly to admit, I came to a place where I was just done. Done with the Race. I wanted to go home.
Last month, my teammate asked us all a couple of questions for a blog post about our new team. One of the questions she asked was what I miss about Home…the honest answer I gave her was “control”.
I wanted (and still want)
- To eat what I wanted to eat and prepared the way I wanted it prepared (only whole foods, no diary, eggs or oil aka vegan). I was (and still am) tired of eating out and eating like crap (a lot of grease, peanut butter, processed bread among others) and gaining weight that I had lost prior to the Race.
- To settle down and set some roots again. I started to get tired of moving around and not having a consistent schedule and routine.
- To get back in shape physically.
- To have the comforts of home – family, 4g WIFI/Data, my bed, shower, bathroom, AC, car, grocery store, kitchen, and church.
I think a large part of this was because of last month.
Month 9 was my first month of ATL. (Ask the Lord). I mentioned what this was all about in a previous blog, but basically my team went to Battambang, Cambodia where we had no set ministry or no host. I loved everything about Cambodia and part of that was having more freedom. Freedom to choose where we live, where to eat, where to do ministry, go to the CrossFit gym, have time for team bible studies etc.
Because the end of the Race was now around the corner, we started having a lot of conversations about what we were going to do right when we got back. Since we are flying into San Fransisco, most of the girls have chosen to spend a few days there. They started planning and talking about what they were going to do during that time and when they got home home. It was fun dreaming and thinking about our return to the States…but almost too fun though. It was becoming a stumbling block for me. I was ready to go home. Go home to all my comforts. Go home to my own schedule. Go home to see all my family. And again back to control.
This made going to Indonesia unappealing. We were going to a more remote place, less comforts, and less freedom with a host and set schedule. I prayed for joy going into this month because I needed it.
The first week in Indonesia was a huge struggle for me for many reasons (which I will not go into). I operated out of the “I’m done” mindset. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to go home and do my own thing and “get on with my life”. I even started questioning the next step I feel God placed on my heart to do after the Race because it requires some more moving around. Basically, It got to the point where I didn’t want to allow Jesus to influence my plans for my life. I wanted full control of my life. I wanted to live where I wanted and do what I wanted.
I lacked joy, peace, patience, love and forgiveness in my heart. My flesh told me I didn’t have to release my feelings of anger, frustration and unforgiveness because they were valid. But of course with the Holy Spirit living inside of me, I knew that how I was feeling and acting was completely unbiblical.
Despite knowing this and not really wanting to live and walk according to my flesh, in order to change, I was like “God you’re going to need to do something about it. You’re going to need to restore my joy and love. You are going to need to help me forgive.”
Thankfully, God accepted this challenge.
Last Monday, our team, our host family and a guest missionary couple, Pastor Dave and Frances, from South Africa left for Lake Toba, one of the 7 Wonders of Indonesia.
I was happy we were getting out of Medan and staying at a nice hotel on the lake, but because we were going solely for ministry, I honestly wasn’t all that excited because we weren’t going to be able to explore the area like I would have liked. (Again me walking in my flesh/my desires).
Near Lake Toba, the guest missionary couple were teaching a seminar, and we were going to tag along and possibly pray for some of the people if they needed or asked for it.
At the beginning of the trip on our way to the Lake, a 6ish hour drive, I was talking to the Lord about my current state. I decided to surrender my selfish desires and be open to what these next few days would look like. I spent a lot of time listening to Christian podcasts and part of an audible book that helped me fix my eyes on Jesus.
Hours later we came across a stunning lake with mountains and volcanos surrounding it. However, we were still a couple hours away because we had to go around to the other side of the island to get to our hotel.
When finally arrived to hotel on the lake, I was excited to check in and live up this luxury hotel experience. Well turns out this nice hotel had small rooms with two twin beds, no AC, no wifi, and a bathroom that smelled and had a tiny sink. Other than the beautiful view, not what I expected was an understatement.
It was a good thing I surrendered my desires to the Lord hours earlier; however, at this point I still wasn’t thrilled about the seminars we would be sitting in from 9:30am-5pm. But I thought, “It is what it is.”
The following morning as we drove to the place where the teaching was going to be held, I started thinking, “Ok where is this going to be located? Everything around us is pretty poor and remote. Where was this nice conference room with tables, chairs, AC, bathrooms, bubble water dispenser I imagined us going to?”
When we pulled into a neighborhood area, I realized this wouldn’t be the case. Instead we pulled up next to a small, wooden church. Once again not what I expected was an understatement.
We arrived a little late, so we walked into the church while the attendees were worshipping.
Then Pastor David, our host, got up and introduced and welcomed up Pastor Dave and his wife Frances.
As soon as Pastor Dave and his wife Frances announced that they were going to be speaking about the Holy Spirit, I immediately became in engaged. I’m “tight” with God the Father and Jesus, but I don’t have as much of a personal relationship with Holy Spirit, something I really really desire.
Through the entire seminar about partnership with the Holy Spirit, I felt like he was speaking directly to me. I was learning new things, I was being convicted, I was being inspired, I was getting hyped etc.
In the first day of teaching, God completely restored to me joy, love, forgiveness, passion for Jesus and pursuing His kingdom and not my own. He restored to me hope and belief in the impossible and strengthened my faith.
I left that day eager to learn more and excited about tomorrow’s teaching.
The following morning I had breakfast with Pastor Dave. I shared with him how much I loved, enjoyed, and learned from his teachings. He directed me to a website where I could download his books online, so of course I immediately downloaded a couple.
That day and final day, Pastor Dave and Frances talked about faith and four life changing values. WOW again!
When I got back to the hotel later that evening, I downloaded the rest of the books and to this day haven’t stopped looking at them.
I later realized that God accepted my challenge and used Pastor Dave and his teachings to ignite in me the fire that had dwindled in my heart and soul.
Though Pastor Dave was sent to Indonesia (he comes about once a year to Medan), I believe this time he was here to speak to me. I don’t believe it was a coincidence that I happened to be here during the same time as Pastor Dave and Frances.
So while I came to Lake Toba for the view, by the end I could care less if I saw it. Don’t get me wrong, I admired and enjoyed the gorgeous lake, but it didn’t pale in comparison to how much I loved the two days of seminars. I could have sat all day and night listening to the teachings. I didn’t care about anything else.
Everything about the few days in Lake Toba was unexpected. The hotel, the location of the seminar, but most of all the spiritual revival that happened in my heart.
I am beyond thankful and grateful for having this spiritual awakening to not only spur me on for the reminder of the Race but also to carry over for life after.
God is so good!
