This month has just been weird.
It started off with the craziness of having a missing big pack and all God taught me through it. It was an amazing process of brokenness and God's faithfulness showing up in a tangible way. I figured I would be on a spiritual high after such an adventure.
But I haven't been.
I've been feeling more distant from Jesus than I have in a long time. You would think that a journey like the World Race would automatically bring you closer to the Lord each day, but it's just not true. It's still just as easy to become distracted. Probably even more so. The whole concept of being in a new country and culture gives you plenty of things to think about besides Jesus. When I feel Him pulling at a certain issue in my heart, I'm so quick to run away to another distraction (also known as idol) instead of actually dealing with all He's trying to work out in me.
I've been reading the book Kingdom Journey's by the creator of the World Race Seth Barnes and it clued me into what is going on in my heart. I am starting my journey towards brokenness. And I am kicking and screaming.
Brokenness is that time in your life when you're forced to look at the things in your life that have caused you pain or the lies you've allowed to become a part of your identity. It's breaking open all the things that you've been able to keep together and avoid for years and years. It's breaking them open to allow your entire life and perspective to change into what God created it to be.
This month has been God gently and sweetly poking and prodding at my brokenness. To even admit that I have brokenness for Him to poke at is a big deal for me. I'm supposed to be Ally Blackwell. The girl who is always happy, gives lots of hugs and loves to encourage others. I'm supposed to be the one that is always laughing and always has a smile on my face.
In Kingdom Journeys, Seth talks about how we need to press into the uncomfortable moments and pain to really experience the freedom God has for us. I almost laughed when I saw that.
And then it hit me why this has been a strange month. I've been running away from all that God is trying to show me by fleeing to the idols I know will comfort me in that moment. I've been distracting myself from the issues God is trying to break up so that He can transform this heart into all the beauty He created it to be in.
I'm not sure what it looks like to "press into the pain" like Seth talks about. But I'm tired of running away. I'm tired of this distance between me and Jesus.
I know He hasn't moved. I have. I have placed barriers between us so that I can avoid the hard stuff of brokenness. The weird thing is is that I'm excited to see the end result of all He does in my heart through this, but I am scared of what the brokenness process with reveal and what will happen.
Philippians 3: 13-14 "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus"
This verse came up twice in a span of an hour a few days ago and I knew this was not just coincidence. He is doing this in my heart right now. He is asking me to forget all that has happened in the past and all that I've thought myself to be and strain forward. I love the use of strain in this verse. It doesn't say "easily walk into" or "skip into" or "have a happy time". It says strain. Strain means "to make a strenuous or unusually great effort". My flesh sure does wish it said something more along the lines of "easily walk into" but I know God has a much greater plan than I do.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose"
This is a common verse, but it's such an amazing promise to stand on. It says ALL things. So even as I try to step into this unknown territory of surrender to brokenness, I know God is soveriegn over every single part of it and working it out so that I will look more like Jesus in the end. Will it be easy? Nope. Will I enjoy it? Nope. Will I try to avoid it at times? Probably. But I know that each step on the road to brokenness is full of grace and love because that is the defintion of who Christ is.
I don't have it all together right now, but I know Who does. I am so incredibly thankful that He loves me and pursues me despite my contant running away. I am so excited to see all that God has in store during this process. If I know anything, I know that He is faithful and He knows exactly what needs to happen to bring every part of my life to the freedom I was created for!
Financial Update: Thank you to all who have given! I have officially surpassed my deadline for October 1st of having $11,000 in my World Race account!!!!!! Thank you for giving and allowing me to keep my mind on what I'm doing here instead of figuring out how to fundraise while thousands of miles away! I only have one deadline left and that's January 1st when I have to be fully funded ($15,500). Please pray about giving and being apart of all God is doing in and through me on this journey. Every little bit helps and gets me one step closer to this final financial goal! THANK YOU to all of you! I would simply not be here if you had not given, prayed, and encouraged me so far on my journey! I wish I could explain how truly thankful I am!
