I just had my first team change happen last week and I am so excited for this new season in the Race.
I needed Team Doulos (my team for the first 3 months) to start of the Race with. We all had very similar views and had similar backgrounds in our faith. It was comfortable. I am so thankful for the time we had together and God knew exactly what I needed when He put me on that team.
Now I am on a team that has actually been a team since the beginning, but their original leader was called up to be a Squad Leader. I am the “newbie” in a team that has been doing community and World Race life together for 3 months. They have already reached that level of family that they can talk about their bathroom functions together and know what gets on each person’s nerves.
It’s quite funny to be in this position because I had been talking to some people about it before team change and said it sure would stink to be the one new person in an already established team. I said I didn’t want to be that person.
Well, here I am. Sitting in that exact position I said I didn’t want to be in.
But let me tell you, it’s been wonderful. I think I’ve laughed more in this week than I did the whole past three months. This team has a contagious joy and love to joke around and be silly and goofy together. Yep, pretty much the perfect team for me.
It’s been amazing to fully act like I do with my friends and family at home while on the Race. I had been missing that more than I realized and let past insecurities hold me captive to fully being myself with my last team.
But I can’t ignore that my faith looks different than most of the people on my new team.
I had known when I signed up for the Race that even though it is an interdenominational mission trip, AIM (the founding organization) leans more towards a charismatic way of worship and belief system.
Let me preface this by saying that I fully believe in the Holy Spirit and believe all of the gifts are present today. I heard a Mark Driscoll sermon one time that calls him and his church “charismatic with a seat belt” and I just loved that. They believe in all the workings of the Holy Spirit but test all that happens in accordance to the Word and ultimately only want the glory of God to be the mission of their church.
A situation in college led me to be very skeptical of the workings of the Holy Spirit. I am thankful for all that happened in that time because it opened my eyes to a side of God that I had never even thought about before. That time was a stepping stone to when God rocked my faith completely at Passion just a few months later and I haven’t been the same since.
But those memories of that situation and those hurts run deeper than I thought they did. I still approach every aspect of the manifestation of the Spirit with hesitation and skepticism. I don’t want to fall into the trap of being caught up in emotions and experience and step away from what truly matters. The truth.
I get so frustrated at times. I just want to understand.
But oppositely, I want God to bust out of the box I’ve put Him in. I want to know Him in a new way. I want to experience Him in new ways. I want to know His love in a deeper and truer way. I want all that I am to surrender to all that He is.
But then I also don’t know where the line is. What if I go too far and what I start doing, believing and saying isn’t based on the truth at all? That is honestly my debate every day on the Race.
Homesickness rears its ugly head when I think about going to Passion City and how solid the teaching and worship is. How I trust and align with all that Passion City stands for and I don’t ever fell the need to debate whether its “gone too far”.
Because honestly, this debate is exhausting and has caused me to put up walls towards people, situations, and even worship songs because I deem them more based on emotions than the truth.
I feel God so ingrained in this struggle though. He is digging up the roots of the issues that cause me to be so skeptical. To almost feel like I have the right to tell Him what to do and how He’ll move. It’s a pride that has become a big part of how I live out my faith and He’s wanting to rid me of it.
This team is full of people that love talking about the Spirit and His workings and if they have any skepticism, they don’t speak it ever.
And through that, I have started to believe the lie again that my faith isn’t good enough. That my faith isn’t valid in comparison to theirs. I have found myself feeling as if I shouldn’t be on this team and feeling uncomfortable when anything spiritual comes up.
All the while, some of the last words Jesus said on the Cross proclaim that “It is finished” (John 19:30). It honestly and completely doesn’t matter what they think of my faith. It doesn’t even matter what I think of my faith. All that matters is Jesus. All that matters is that all the acceptance, affirmation, and love that I seek after so desperately in people was given to me in complete fullness on the Cross.
And does it even matter? Honestly. I sometimes create an “us vs. them” mentality with people that believe differently than I do, when all the while we are on the same team. These issues of the Spirit are secondary to the Gospel. We are on the World Race because a dark world needs the light of Christ. Even if we approach that differently, we are on the same team and working towards the same goal.
I was encouraged by a tweet by Beth Moore earlier today that said she never shares what book she’s reading because if she does, she will be classified as one type of doctrine and she will be held accountable for all that the author believes. She doesn’t want to be thought of as one time of believer or being in one specific school of thought. She is simply a follower of Christ. I knew God had me see that tweet for a reason and to see that this issue I’m experiencing is not unique to me.
I think the Enemy loves this disunity in the Body. He wants us to be separated and to battle over the smaller issues so we are held captive to those instead of the only issue that matters. The Gospel. We turn and put walls up against each other while all along we are called to be brothers and sisters that are united under one goal.
“But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him.” John 4:23
Worship in spirit AND truth. Not one or the other. Both. That is what I am seeking after and what I know God is growing me towards. Even through these moments of feeling uncomfortable, I know He has me here for a purpose and I am a part of the body of Christ that is needed on this team. I refuse to let any lie sneak in that tells me I am a lesser part because I am struggling in this area.
A local worship band from Macon, Georgia that I was blessed to meet just before I left for the Race called the DoorHolders (They are amazing! Check out their EP on iTunes!) has a song called “Landon’s Song (Grace)” (I’m posting it at the bottom of the page) that I listen to constantly and has brought me so much encouragement since it came out last month. One of my favorite lines is “Your grace…covers my faults and shortcomings, it covers the footprints of where I’ve been. It takes hold of my mind and confounds it. It takes all of my fear and surrounds it”
His grace is big enough to take on all of my pride and all of my shortcomings. His grace is enough to cover even if I “go too far” and step away from truth. I don’t have to worry through this process, I am covered in His incredible grace and I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have worship the perfect way or believe in the workings of the Spirit perfectly. That’s already been done for me and I can rest as the daughter of God and seek after His face in all my imperfect ways.
“Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name” Psalm 86:11
Financial Update: I have more than $4,000 until my FINAL deadline to stay on the World Race on January 1st 2013. This is just a few 2 and half months away. Please prayerfully consider being apart of spreading the Kingdom of God to the world and fulfiling the Great Commission by supporting me financially. You can simply click on the link on the left side of my blog that says "Support Me" to give with a credit or debit card. Thank YOU for being obedient to God's call and sacrificing for His glory!
