It started off innocent enough. I would make excuses that I shouldn’t take my time out for my quiet time every morning because I needed to spend time with my family before I left for the World Race. I needed to soak up every last minute of my comfortable, queen sized bed before I left for 11 months too. Getting up early in the morning to spend time with Jesus happens when it’s convenient, but if it doesn’t happen, it’s all good, right?
And who does quiet time every single day anyway? That’s legalism, right?
This is where it all began. I began compromising.
Instead of taking the time to devote my undivided attention to the One I was leaving home for, I made excuses. I know that that precious time away with the Lord is my most beautiful time of my day. I know it’s the time I need to be connected to my Savior. I know that this is the time He speaks to me so obviously and reveals so much to me in His Word and through prayer.
But He could wait, right? I was about to leave all these things for His glory anyway. He’d understand. I’d spend so much time with Him on the Race that my family, friends and last minute preparations deserved my devotion right now.
I justified my feeling of distance from God before leaving for the Race to all the emotions going on before you leave home for 11 months. Distractions are countless and emotions are running haywire. I claimed it as a season of dryness that would make the inevitable fountains that the World Race would bring all the sweeter.
And then the Race started. And the compromising only continued.
Yes, I read my Bible most mornings the first month, but it was mainly just a way to distract myself from the intense heat and sadness I was going through. It was far from the sweet time of intimacy I knew I needed, but it got me through.
And then total laziness stepped in. I had to wake up really early in Nepal the next month and there were always people running around waiting to be loved on the second I left my door. Quiet time was a rare thing to come by and happened 2 or 3 times a week if I was lucky.
Each month after has looked different, but each month I have allowed my time with Jesus to be easy, comfortable, and just enough to get by. I have done just enough to measure up to my teammates and be a “good Christian” and be done for the day.
All along, I’ve been asking God why I am not feeling Him like I did in 2011 after God woke me up at Passion.
I couldn’t get enough of Him. An hour in the Word in the morning wasn’t enough. Every morning I was so excited to wake up and learn more about Jesus. It sounds so cheesy and silly but it was true. I couldn’t wait to talk about the Gospel. I was so excited to share what God was revealing to me with anyone willing to listen. It started my day off to be focused on Him and His Word to be the first thing that spoke to me every morning.
But for almost a year now, I’ve been whiny and asking God why He feels so distant compared to that time. Why we don’t have the intimacy we had.
Was that just the honeymoon phase and now I’m in the “real world” faith stuff?
The Lord revealed to me tonight just how far off I’ve been.
I look back on that time of intimacy with fondness but I never asked God what the difference was between then and now.
It was dedication.
I had conveniently forgotten the countless mornings in college when I would wake up at 5:30 am for my 8 am class so that I could shower, get ready for class, eat breakfast, and have at least an hour for quiet time.
That sometimes meant I only got 4 or 5 hours of precious sleep But it was worth it. He was worth it.
So as I stood worshipping with my squad tonight, God reminded me of this precious time. This life changing time of intimacy that I have missed so tremendously. He graciously pointed to the mornings that I have chosen to sleep instead of dig into the Word. He pointed to the excuses I’ve made of why I can’t experience the same intimacy and forced me to see those excuses for what they really are. Excuses.
I am so thankful that God’s grace is so huge that He has used me in these nations even though I was so far from where He wanted me to be. I am so thankful that He has grown me and revealed to me so much, even though I was being distant and complacent.
But now starts a new chapter of my Race. I repent of my laziness towards my relationship with Christ and run towards intimacy that exceeds any I’ve ever experienced before.
Financial Update: My LAST deadline is coming up on January 1st and I need to be fully funded by that day. So that means more than $2,000 in less than one month. If I do not have the money by this deadline, I will not be able to finish the Race. Please consider joining in this journey with me and being apart of what God wants to do in and through me in Africa and Europe! All you have to do is click the Support Me! link on the left side of the screen to donate directy into my account. THANK YOU for being obedient as the body of Christ and I pray God blesses you as you give for His glory!
