Malaysia is hot. And not just hot, but humid. We live on the 3rd floor of a concrete building. And there isn’t AC. All that to say, Malaysia is hot.
I want to tell you two stories from this month that have shaped me in incredible ways. But first, let me explain a little. Sleep has been something that our whole team has struggled with. Whether not being able to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night, or having strange dreams. Our host’s this month stand on a promise the Lord gave them when they started this ministry, that this will be a place of rest and a place to encounter the Lord. When I first heard them explain this I knew deep in my heart that this was true, that this was going to be a special month.
From my experiences on the race as a whole, I’ve learned sleep is something satan attacks to keep us from fully walking into the victory the Lord has for us. By using fear and anxiety he cuts us off from rest, rejuvenation, and peace; therefore, potentially crippling us during the day. The first couple of days I would lie down to sleep and have to claim truth when I didn’t fully believe it. Psalm 91 was on repeat in my brain, especially verses 4-5, “He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day.” And I saw Him show up and be that verse. After a night or two I was falling asleep quickly.
And then, I messed up. I took a sleep aid after I had already lain in bed for an hour without falling asleep. It was hot, I was tired, and I just wanted to get sleep. As soon as I took it I could feel God’s protection lift and the anxiety and fear descend. As soon as I swallowed it I knew it was going against God’s heart for me in that moment. He’d promised me rest, protection and peace, and not only had he’d promised it, he had already shown his faithfulness. I quickly repented and went back to the Lord and he graciously received me back with open arms and I could feel him again instead of just the enemy. Although he had forgiven me, I knew I had grieved him and through my actions I had leaped out away from him. In that moment I knew my actions had implications. There are times when we choose wrong out of hurt or brokenness and I think the Lord has a special grace for times like those, but this was not one of those times. God is faithful to forgive us. He’s faithful to protect us, but I learned that night that our choices have weight. I had taken sleep aids many times before that night, and I’ve taken them since, but that night was different. I don’t think that sleep aids are wrong. But for me, in that moment I held God’s protection and promises in one hand and the sleep aid in the other. The Lord had blessed me with peaceful and restful sleep, I knew that! However, because of that immense gift, there was a new and higher level of expectation. (Luke 12:48, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded.)
And then one time, I didn’t mess up. Right when I laid down I thought to myself, hey! I should put on the armor of God! So I went through the different parts in Ephesians 6 (Belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, readiness by the gospel of peace as shoes, shield of faith, helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit.) It was another hot night and I could feel my mind wanting to wander places where I knew I wasn’t supposed to wander into. In that moment I stopped, I turned to God and I said, “God, hey there. 😉 I know that I’m not supposed to think about those things but right now I don’t really want to fight. I know that your word says that you’re faithful and when we’re temped it’s never more than we can handle and you always provide a way to stand up under it, so how do I do that now? (1 Corninthains 10:13)” In my mind I saw the sword of the spirit in my hand and so I started praying. That whole sequence happened 3 times before I felt fear try to creep in. In that moment I chuckled to myself a little bit because that one was an old trick, I had seen over and over this month that God is faithful and that fear and anxiety aren’t meant to be a part of our life. As quickly as I said that in my mind I felt peace and the next thing I remember is waking up to a lovely pink sky and the sound of rain hitting the windows the next morning.
I fully believe God is capable to completely protect us and keep us from any attack because I know he has fully overcome the world through the cross. But, I think sometimes he lets us learn how to advocate for ourselves. When we advocate for ourselves, it gives our hearts and minds a chance to fully buy into something, because it cost us something. If you have to fight for something, the minute that thing is challenged you stand tall and stand at attention ready to fight because it’s worth something! In 1 Samuel 1:12-20, Hannah went to the house of the Lord to pray for a child. She was, “deeply distressed and wept bitterly”. Eli, the priest thought she was drunk because of the way she was acting and told her to stop drinking and leave. Hannah could have left in shame and frustration but instead she replied back saying, “Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation.” In that moment though Hannah choosing to stand for what she believed in and knew herself to be, the importance of her cause for crying out to God for a child, I believe, took on a new depth. She walked away blessed by Eli and Hannah had a baby 9 months later.
I’ve learned this month that sometimes you find yourself at odds with the truth of who God is. But it’s in those times that, through his grace, he’s giving us a chance to unite our hearts and minds with the truth of God. If this is true, it can show trials in the light of opportunities though God’s grace rather than moments where God walked away, or his lack of love. Yes, there are things that God did not ever intend for us to go through. We live in a fallen world where things don’t always work perfectly, but I challenge you to look at those small trials as opportunities rather than simply things to make it through and then watch your heart be transformed in the process.
PS, I’m now in Thailand if you were confused, it just took me a little to post it!
