How am I doing in my new crocs you ask, well I am currently sitting on a overnight train to Tbilisi, Georgia processing my time that I spent back in the states and then the transition back out on the field with my team. What do my crocs have to do with this blog… absolutely nothing other than the fact that they are the dopest thing I own at the moment… one would even call them sole food. (Let that sink in)
For those that do not know, last week I got to go home to America and surprise my best friend for her wedding and it was the best/ scariest moment and probably the hardest secret I have ever kept in my entire life. Going home was super exciting, I got to see my family, surprise my best friend, eat chick fil a, like what more could I ask for? It was like the perfect situation to where I am overseas for a year, but the Lord
provided this little pocket of getting to see my family and friends, but it wasn’t perfect.
In fact it was messy and overwhelming. Not that my time at home wasn’t great, but my heart was torn between two places. With my peeps back in Texas and my team/ squad back in Armenia. I was trying to be fully present in each place at the same time and it became exhausting (and it wasn’t just the jet lag). I was so overwhelmed and confused at where to be and if I should have felt guilty for coming home in the first place.
This beautiful gift that the Lord gave me was quickly snatched up by the enemy and doubt and shame easily and fastly creeped in. I began to doubt everything. I doubted if I actually heard the Lord tell me to go home for the wedding. I doubted if I even heard the voice of the Lord at all. I doubted the support from my team and leadership. I doubted that I wasn’t going to be a burden to those planning the wedding.
All the good and fun got sucked out real quick, and it all boiled down to this statement. I felt guilty for going home and leaving my team and I also felt guilty for going home to a wedding and spending money on simple things that the same amount of money for a shirt could honestly fed a family of 5 for a month or two. When I say guilt crept in and sunk its teeth in I mean it, and the guilt didn’t end when I got back to my teammates, but in fact got worse because they kept saying how much they had missed me and I just felt even more guilty for leaving them.
For the first couple of days in Armenia it was a guilt and shame shit sandwich. Thankfully I have some awesome teammates and family back home that allowed me to process the feels and spoke some good truths into my life, but it all came down to two realizations. I am worthy of love and home is no longer a set place for me anymore.
I did not go a single day back in the states without at least 5 messages from my team/squad mates asking for prayer and reminding me of how much I am loved and missed. They love me so dang well and I honestly did not understand it or believe it. What’s even crazier is the Lord loves me infinity times more than their love. For what the enemy made me feel guilty of going home and missing ministry with my teammates, the Lord so clearly fought it with perfect love casting out all. I am worthy of love. You are worthy of love.
As much as I love my house and my homey living room on Wolfeton Way I have come to realize home is not a set place anymore. Home is wherever I am because the Holy Spirit lives within me and I am now a heavenly citizen. My home is no longer on this earth, but with the one who created the earth. This idol of running to a “comfort” or “safe place”called home is no longer. My comfort and safe place is now in the Lord. He is my refuge. My home.
Lies from the enemy are hard y’all. Being a Christian is hard. Being on a mission trip for a year is hard. Being away from home is hard. Going home for a week was the sweetest gift, but it was hard. Life is hard, but Jesus is so much sweeter. Look up to him my brothers and sisters. Shit sandwiches will always be on the dinner plate, but look up to the Father and he will remind you of what is good, of his goodness. So yeah, my crocs are yellow and brand new, my home away from home back in the states is dearly missed again, chick fil a has become a dream again, and my heart is still tender, but so full of love. Live life to the fullest for the Lord because he has given us beautiful freedom and don’t give the enemy any authority because he has none. So go and dance, laugh, and enjoy your home away from home my friends and pro tip: feel the feels because the Lord is going to do something rad with them!
