Heartbroken.
If you were to ask me how I am doing, this would probably be the best word to describe it, I am heartbroken. I am grieving. I am hurting. I have shed more tears these past four months than I probably have in quite some time.
I have seen poverty in a way that I have never experienced. I have been to a house church that cannot worship freely, and yet they risk it all by meeting in secret. I have heard stories of Christians having to flee their families and homes because they are no longer accepted or safe. I have heard stories of families having to flee their counties because of war. I have seen little children have to beg on the street for money to help their families. I have seen bullet holes sprayed over buildings. I have listened to women talk about how they have been mistreated from men. I have been viewed differently by men in other countries that don’t respect my value. I seen people completely rejected by a religion/ society because they are homosexual and transgendered. I have seen people work so hard in a religion to work for a salvation that is false. I have heard the stories of brokenness of my squad and teammates.
My eyes have been opened to a world of brokenness. My heart breaks and to top it off I get to meet these wonderful people and go to these beautiful countries and then I leave. I just want to make it better for them. I want them to feel loved, known, accepted, seen, heard, and safe. I want to hold the children that don’t get held everyday and just get to be a kid. I want to hold hands with the lady who has lost everything and everyone and just cry with her. I want to help those who have been kicked out of their home build a new one. I want those who have been rejected to be friends with them.
I want to do it all. I want to take all of their burdens and I want to fix it. I want to take away their pain. I want to be their savior. But I can’t be. I can’t do anything, but just love this people to the best of my abilities and tell them about the Father.
Why does loving your neighbor as yourself not seem like enough at times?
The Lord has been teaching me to trust him and to trust his love for us. Trust that he sees these people and loves them more than I do. He knows their needs. He knows my needs. Trusting that the Lord is sovereign and that he is in control. Trusting that we already have victory over the enemy. Trusting that when he promises to come back and make things new without pain and suffering that he is going to do it. Trusting that he has made a way for ALL people. Trusting that he is going to show up and make a way every time.
So yes my heart is broken, but so is the Father’s. He sees it and knows it all. He knows our pains just as intimately as the person across the world in a war torn country. He didn’t intend for it to be like this, but he has fought and provided a way for us. He loves more than we could ever understand. So yeah I encourage you to trust. Trust him in the brokenness, but also speak out those needs. Speak out those hurts. Fight for other voices to be heard, and love the unloveable.
