This blog is a continuation from the last one I wrote. If you haven’t read part 1 yet, do that now: oh how HE LOVES: the easy road.
Once I got to the main road I was greeted by a staff person. She started asking me questions, one of them being if I thought the weight of the log truly represented the weight I had been trying to carry. No. She told me I was not finished with my hike but that before I continued she wanted to grab something a little more weightier that represented what I had been trying to carry. I thought she was going to come back with another small log. WRONG! She literally came back with a side of a tree! Ok, it was more like a 7 foot thick branch! And for those of you who know me, not only am I a solid 5’3, but I’m one of the klutziest people on the face of this planet… how in the world was I going to maneuver this?!
She then directed me where I was to continue. Once I saw what I had to climb I thought I was a goner! It was basically the side of a mountain next to the main road that is definitely not meant to be climbed! I left my bible and water bottle where staff was, knowing there was no way I was going to climb this thing with my water bottle, bible, log, and my tree with no leaves, haha!
I’m not going to lie, it was extremely hard. At first it was all physical endurance. It was extremely steep and with my two left feet I was tripping all over the place. It was definitely a sight! I would throw the weight down out of frustration, walk to it, and pick it back up again. This was also really symbolic in the sense that so many times I carry the weight, then it gets too hard to carry so I surrender it all, only to pick it back up again when it starts to get a little easier.
I did this routine for a solid 15 minutes, until one of my squad-mates, Jamie, caught up to where I was walking. It was also hard for me to know she saw me in the state I was in because I was in such a vulnerable place in that moment. I don’t like to be seen as weak, and in that moment I felt extremely weak. She was so encouraging though and offered some advice that pretty much shifted the whole surrender walk for me. She said it might be easier to take the big branch and put it across my shoulders.
It may have been easier physically, but not emotionally. The minute I did that the weight of what Christ did for us on the Cross penetrated every fiber of my being, so much so, that I fell on the dirt floor, and broke down. I just started weeping uncontrollably. It wasn’t until that moment that I understood- well to the point my human mind would allow- what He really did for us. Here I was carrying maybe 10 pounds and He carried the weight of the world. All I felt was my weight, when He took the weight of EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING THAT EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.
And not only did He have to carry our weight, but on top of it all, the people mocked Him and beat Him and denied Him and spat in His face and stripped Him down naked, tied Him to a tree, and joyously watched as the blood poured out of His body. And it hit me. That’s the very thing I do to Him when I tell Him I don’t need Him; when I think that I can do it all on my own, that I don’t need a Savior.
As I got up and continued walking, I realized more and more that it really isn’t about me. This life isn’t about me… it’s about Him! The magnitude of writing ‘my life for His’ suddenly hit me like a rushing wind, and I knew I couldn’t simply just tell Him that without living it out.
And as I started giving things to Him on that walk, it became easier and I started feeling lighter. At times it did get more challenging, but when it started to get physically straining or I lost track of the orange markers, I would simply say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and I knew in those moments that His power was being perfected. I started realizing that it truly is ok to be weak because Christ is perfected in our weaknesses.
I knew these verses, but on this day, in that moment, it became alive.
The walk seemed like an eternity, and there were many times when I did just want to give up but I kept pressing on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ. And then when I thought I couldn’t go much farther, I finally saw people. There was staff waiting at the top, praying for people as they made it to the destination. I walked up to one of my squad leaders, Andi, and she started praying over me. Honestly, I have the slightest idea what she prayed, all I know is I broke down again.
When she was done praying, I was directed about 10 feet past where she was standing, where I saw a cross: the place where I would lay down all that weight that had been holding me down. For some of my squad-mates it was hard for them to let go of, for me, I was ready to drop it the minute I received that dang tree! As I threw it down everything in my Spirit started to well up, and the loudest scream came out of my mouth that I probably have ever made! I’m sure the people standing there at that point realized how crazy I really am, haha! But honestly, that moment at the cross was very special, and my words will truly fall short of my encounter at the foot of it all.
As I started trekking down, it was obviously much lighter and much easier to walk. Of course, I still tripped all over the place. And it wouldn’t have been complete without my tripping, grabbing onto a Charlie Brown looking tree, and doing a 360 around the tree… so graceful, haha!
But truly, I learned so much that day, and alot of layers were shed. Am I now perfect? By no means! But I am definitely being alot more intentional and learning everyday how to surrender my whole life as a living sacrifice to the Lord. And, my oh my, the rich love and mercy that He lavishes out on me, despite my messiness…
OH, HOW HE LOVES!
