I have, my whole life, been a worrywart. It’s a very easy habit to pick up when you have an Irish-Catholic for a mother! Just sayin. In the past two-ish years, God has been putting me in situations to confront my ridiculous issues with fear.
While doing ministry in Ukraine during my last month on the World Race, our contacts took my team to a rock quarry to go swimming. Soon enough everyone was running towards the rocks that encircled the deep filled pit. All five of my teammates were on their 3rd or 4th jump, while I stood around contemplating my 1st (and yes, I’m happy to report that this is in fact me in the picture)! Honestly, I think my peers were getting a little frustrated with me after having to say “just do it” for the umpteenth time. Some were trying to coach me, while others cheered me on, but the obstacles I faced went much deeper than what I think they could comprehend. It had nothing to do with trying to be a DQ (drama queen)! I know it sounds silly, but when you spend your whole life in the shallow end, it is extremely difficult to swim out to the deep. Needless to say, I’m very good at playing the “what if” game.
What if I jump and the area is too shallow and I break a bone. What if I jump and I’m too close to the edge and crack my skull in half. What if I jump and there’s some flesh-eating beast at the bottom waiting for its prey and bites my leg off. Seriously. These are the sick things that run through my mind.
I don’t desire to think this way. I don’t want to be ruled by fear or worry or disappointment. I wish there was a flip I could switch that would change me, but, like most things in life, this is a victory that will only be won by breaking down walls and doing the dang thing.
Which brings me to my newest wall that I’ve been facing for months…
I’m scared to go to Spain. There, I said it. To those who may not know, I’m moving there in April to attend G42, a six month leadership academy that ultimately seeks to help a person’s dream become reality. It freaks me out because all those what if’s come into play: what if doors don’t open to start a house of prayer; what if it does, only to be financially burdened for the rest of my life; what if I fail miserably at the thing I feel called to… and it goes on and on and on.
I know it’s all lies. Still doesn’t stop it from traveling through my mind at a constant rate of speed.
All these fears and emotions came to a halt a few nights ago though. I was listening to the song “Fly” by Jonathan David Helser and the words just hit me in a way that kind of shook the crazy out of me.
I soon began to think about the Atkins guy and how he invested his whole life making healthy choices, only to die from a fall due to an icy pavement. Or how David Crowder’s pastor died after being electrocuted while performing a water baptism. As sad as it may sound, the reality is nobody’s promised tomorrow. And then I started thinking ‘why not give it my all’ because, who knows, tomorrow I could get my scarf stuck in my car door and choke to death while driving, like that famous dancer from back in the 1920′s.
I started to wonder if playing it safe was really all it’s cracked up to be… my conclusion is not so much. If poor fishermen could drop their nets and risk it all, surely I can drop mine. Right?!
I mean what kind of life would it be to never take risks on account of what may or may not happen?! It’s no life at all. It’s a prison really. I am determined to get out of the boat because, well, Jesus says I can. This doesn’t mean I’ve conquered the thing just yet, but I refuse to let it rule me for the rest of my life.
”Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don’t matter.” -Francis Chan
Video below is of the song “Fly” by JDH.
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