Written January 26th, 2012
“Remember that that’s the reason your on this race. So that people don’t have to feel this pain that you are feeling. The pain of wondering, of not knowing.”
These words were spoken to me this evening as I sat on my sandy sleeping mat, drowning in my own tears. Even as I try to write this, they won’t stop coming.
Three days ago, I was able to get internet for the first time since arriving in Mozambique. I only had 20 minutes so I speedily checked email, blog comments and facebook all at once. I opened a message from my mother. I scanned over it quickly and then went back and read it slowly. Then I read it again. And then one more time.
There on the screen was the news that I had been expecting, but nonetheless, news that no World Racer ever wants to receive.
My aunt had succumed to the cancer that 3 weeks ago didn’t even exist.
Three days ago I told my team that my aunt had passed away.
Today, it hit me.
Today, I realized that I’m not there. Today, I realized that my family has to go through the mourning process without me because I’m not there.
Today, I realized that she was not a believer. And now she’s gone.
Today, I realized that life can feel really long sometimes, but we are only guarenteed this moment. Today, I realized that life is really, really short, and no one else in my family is a believer.
Today, my heart broke into a million pieces.
For my family.
For my aunt.
For those who do not know Jesus.
For Mozambique.
For me.
I know that God is a just God. I also know that He is a gracious and merciful God. But I have no way to comprehend how far that grace stretches. And so I pray with every fibre of my being that someone, anyone told her about His love. I pray that as she breathed her last breath that she found peace in His arms.
I don’t know if she did or not, but I guess it’s not for me to know right now.
All I know is that I’ve experienced this pain, the pain of not knowing so many times – too many to count – and I don’t ever wish it on anyone.
So if for nothing else, the death of my aunt has reminded me why I’m here. Why I am in Mozambique, why I am on this race, why I am on this earth.
So that they will not feel this pain I’m feeling. The pain of not knowing.
Yet even in the darkness of my unknown, His glory is revealed.
And for that, I can be thankful.
