I have been sitting here, staring at this temporarily blank word document for about 45 minutes. And I’ve got nothing…
I realize that I have sort of been scimping on the blog postage lately…
I could probably come up with a ton of excuses why.
“We’ve been really busy…”
“We just got back from a pasta-filled weekend in Italy…”
“I have nothing to say…”
“I have too much to say…”
But if we being honest…
The reason I haven’t written a legit blog for a long time is because I’ve been having a really hard time putting words to the condition of my heart.
It’s… messy.
I realized that I have a lot of wounds.
Wounds from the past 21 years and even from two weeks ago that I need healing for.
I have a lot of mess that I thought I had worked through, but that’s just it.
I thought I had worked through it.
I put band-aids on the wounds and called it a day.
I didn’t let God in far enough to heal the wounds.
It was easy for me to pretend the wounds weren’t there when I was at home.
Surrounded by friends and family and work, I could easily forget the mess.
But the culture of the race seems to bring everything up to the surface.
And over the past month, God has slowly been ripping off the band-aids one by one to expose the wounds underneath – some deeper than others.
And it has been painful.
My heart is messy.
My life is messy.
I am messy.
However…
I know that God is going to turn this messiness into beauty.
He can use my mess for His glory.
He is bigger than my mess.
And He loves me deeply in spite of my mess.
I am so blessed to be able to put my hope in Him.
I am so blessed to be in Albania, surrounded by people I love and who love me.
I am so blessed to be given a year to learn how to devote my mess to Him.
I am learning to seek His kingdom first.
I know that everything else will fall into place after that.
Now, if that’s not hope, I don’t know what is.
