Last night at Tehillah (<— shameless plug), my young adults gathering, I finally let it hit me. And it hit hard.
I know what you are thinking. What the crap is IT? And why was it abusing you? (Baha… okay, bad joke, I know…) Well… it is my good friend who also goes by many other names such as FEAR, DOUBT, NERVOUSNESS, FEAR, FEAR, DOUBT, and MORE FEAR.
And it kinda sucked.
As I worshiped, I could feel the fear creep further and further into my heart, and for some reason, I just didn’t fight it. All the “What if’s” that I have been turning a deaf ear to for the past 5 months suddenly seemed to be screaming in my head. Then, I let myself go there. Go where? I let myself ask the question I haven’t asked since last summer.
Is this God’s will for my life?
I haven’t had to ask myself that in a long time because I knew it was. You know that feeling you get? That burning in your soul? I have had an issue with trusting God in the past, and during that time, it seemed that even a simple question such as this would send doubt just sauntering in. I knew that I was called. And I knew it was for this time specifically, and so I never let myself go there again.
Last night I went there. Why? Many reasons, really… but mainly because of the incredible struggle fundraising has been.
Now, dear reader, I will let you in on a little piece of my heart.
Fundraising is the bane of my existence. I LOATHE it. There are many people who joke about “putting the FUN in fundraising!” and I will tell you right now there is absolutely NOTHING fun about it. It’s awkward, and people hate you for trying to guilt them into giving their hard earned dollars.
It wasn’t always so bad. It was easier when I had seven months to raise enough money to launch. No big deal. Now that I am two and a half months away and there is STILL only $840.95 sitting in my support account, I can’t help but start to feel like maaaaayyybe this isn’t where God wants me.
I sent out 105 support letters. 1 person has decided to support me monthly from that. I have had so few people donate to this trip that I can literally count them on one hand. I have asked many people to be on a team of people who support me in prayer while I am gone, and not a single person has volunteered.
…
As I sat in the pew sobbing (quite literally. People were staring), I kept thinking of that big “what if…“. What if this trip isn’t God’s will for me? Where does that leave me?
I cried and cried as my amazing friend Sarah sat beside me, not knowing what to say. I went to bed last night and cried myself to sleep thinking of how heartbroken I would be if I had to stay here and watch as my beloved Dubzers launched without me.
I woke up, went to work, came home, laid in my bed and just sighed. I talked to God about all my doubts and fears. I asked my Daddy if he could pretty pretty PLEEEAAASSEEE give me $15,000 and I would repay Him by being really holy and stuff… (haha, I bet He laughed at that one.)
That’s when my Daddy started to speak to my spirit. He reminded me that He has redeemed me, He has summoned me by name and I am HIS (Isaiah 43). He told me to be still. To stop trying to take control.
He reminded me that trip or no trip He is still God, and He is still good.
That’s when I realized that I was going to have to get up and fight.
God never said that this trip would come easy. And if I don’t stand up for those orphans dying of AIDS, or the 7 year old girl who is forced to have sex with 60 year old men day in and day out, then who will? If I do not fight for them, who will? They are so worth all of the struggle.
So I stand here before you and boldly claim that I will be fully funded. Whether it is before I leave on June 30th or if it is half hour before my very last deadline, I WILL be fully funded because I am called. I am chosen. I am anointed. I have been redeemed. I am HIS.
Money is not going to hold me back. He has already paid for this trip, I just need to sit back and let Him do His thing.
So…. if you could just simply pray for me, that would be amazing. I will give you a virtual high-five and prolly love you forever. Sometimes it feels like I am in this alone so I will welcome encouraging words as well.
Also, if you would like to partner with me financially, you can click here.
To the fab five that have supported me, you guys are so baller. I love you more than anything for not just believing in me, but also believing in what God wants to do in each of these countries.
