My Psalms of Depressions
Dear God,
I hate my antidepressants.
I hate that through the busyness of the race, I forgot to take one yesterday.
I hate that I woke up today feeling unloved.
I hate that I have depression.
I hate that I have a chemical imbalance in my mind.
I hate that I have to take 20 mg of Paxil every single day.
I hate that there’s a stigma for antidepressants and mental illnesses.
I hate that you’re looked at with disgust or treated differently.
I hate that people think depression as a Christian has to do with a lack of faith.
I hate when I hear others call them “happy pills.”
I hate the black shadow of shame that constantly follows me.
I hate that outgoing, bubbly Allison comes out only when she takes an orange pill.
I hate that I have to get out of bed and be a World Racer today.
I hate that the sun is out and it’s shining.
I hate that I’m halfway across the world from home.
I hate that I can’t hug my mom and dad for another 5 months.
I hate that people back home think I’m on a vacation.
I hate that I’m called to love others when I can’t even love myself.
I hate that I even hate myself.
I hate that I feel like I’m a burden to my team and squad.
I hate that I can’t feel His presence today.
I hate that I don’t know my worth in Him during these times.
I hate these feelings of agony and anguish.
I hate that tears are streaming down my face as I’m writing this to you.
I hate that there are feelings of sorrow and sadness that overwhelm my soul.
I hate that I can’t even describe how bad it hurts.
I hate that my pain remind me that something’s wrong with me.
I hate that there’s something my body depends on other than Christ.
But through this, oh God, I’m fighting.
I’m fighting because I remember what depression looked like years before I found Christ.
I’m fighting those thoughts of suicide again because I know You’ve called me on this earth for a purpose.
I’m fighting because my only hope comes through You and You only.
I’m fighting because You’ve given me Your strength and armor.
I’m fighting because I’m deeply in love with You.
I’m fighting because I know this pain is only temporary compared to eternity.
I’m fighting because no injury or mental illness can keep me from pursuing You.
I’m fighting because I KNOW You can heal me if it’s in Your will.
I’m fighting because even if You don’t, You’re still good
I’m fighting for your joy, because it’s free from external circumstances.
I’m fighting because the agony would be even more unbearable if You weren’t in my life.
I’m fighting because my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven.
I’m fighting because You’ve sent me on The World Race.
I’m fighting because I believe in finishing the great commission within this generation.
I’m fighting because I know You love me.
I’m fighting because I want feel Your presence.
I’m fighting because I yearn for Your truths and Your words.
I’m fighting because I want Your spirit to break out and fill the atmosphere around me.
I’m fighting because of who You are.
I’m fighting because I know that I can trust You.
I’m fighting because Satan and his strongholds have no place in my life.
Oh God, I’m fighting depression because I know You’ve fought for me…
…and because You’ve already won.
