I’m a practical romantic. I like to believe that, if carefully plotted out, going from Point A to Point B will inevitably and quite neatly lead to Point C, and all will live happily ever after. I don’t like waiting, discomfort, or the unknown. It makes sense in my mind that if I try my hardest and do my best, the results will be pleasant, peaceful, and worthwhile.
Unfortunately, I am finding out that Life doesn’t work this way.
About one year ago, I was sitting in a desk chair in Greenville, South Carolina, feeling very discontent in where I was and what I wasn’t doing. I had been begging God for a long time to show me the next step, what exactly my purpose was in this life, reminding Him that I was more than willing to take drastic steps into the unknown if He would only give me a compass heading of which direction to pursue. I had been in this particular heart-place for months to seemingly no avail, and was starting to get a little panicky that perhaps I had missed the sign, somehow had not received the message that God surely must have posted forever ago.
That afternoon, a little out of desperation and mostly out of feeling that I needed to be proactive, I typed “mid-term Christian mission trips” into the Google search bar. One of the first sites to pull up was this interesting little website called The World Race, where I discovered a crazy group of Jesus-lovers who would abandon normal life for a year and traverse around the world, living out of tents and telling people about the Gospel. Pictures showed young people riding elephants, smiling in joyful, stress-free community, and hugging orphans.
The more I looked and read and researched and prayed, I realized that this is exactly what I was aching for. To make a difference. To pursue Christ and His calling for the Great Commission. To partner alongside likeminded Believers, unified as one, cords not easily broken.
God blew open doors for me to be able to go on the Race. As confirmations and provisions were pouring in right and left, I felt peace in my heart that finally, finally, I would Be where I was supposed to be, fulfilling what I was made to do.
Fast-forward to last month, about 45 days on the field, sitting on my bed that I was sharing with two other girls in our little hostel room in Ghana.
I felt anything but fulfillment.
The Race wasn’t what I had thought it would be. I didn’t feel that I was making a difference, I didn’t particularly feel that I belonged here, and I certainly didn’t feel that I had any further clues as to what I was supposed to be doing with my life. Community was hard and uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was be alone, which was nigh impossible. It was hot, the electricity (aka that which brought tolerable air flow) would just randomly turn off for hours without warning, and I hadn’t been able to talk to my Mom in a couple of weeks.
Tears in my eyes, I realized that I was experiencing nearly the same degree of discontent that had plagued me so much back at home, the very thing that had pushed me so much into pursuing the Race in the first place. And now I was back where I started.
After a bit, I vented all of this to a friend back home in an email, bemoaning my situation, waiting for some consoling words and sympathy from some 5000 miles hence. A few days later, I got a response. It wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.
My friend told me, “God didn’t call you to go on the World Race.”
I wasn’t sure what to take from that. Where they going to tell me that they felt I had made a hasty decision, that I should have stayed home?
They continued, saying that if I was looking for purpose and fulfillment in this amazing, life-changing 11 month missions trip then I was missing the entire point.
God didn’t call me to go on the World Race, they told me, He called me to journey to Himself.
To find Jesus Christ.
To know Jesus Christ.
To seek Jesus Christ.
To walk alongside Jesus Christ.
To leave father, mother, sister, brother, and have nowhere to lay my head with Him.
To fish all night and catch nothing with Him, only to find the fruit of our labor in the morning.
To journey with Him to Jerusalem, knowing that enemies are awaiting our arrival.
To live the life of a disciple with Him- not for the experience, but for Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ alone is my goal, my life, my sufficiency, my security, my satisfaction. And He meets all of those things, all of me, to the absolute fullest. Truly, those who seek Him have no lack (Psalms 34:9-10).
Jesus said, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).
I’ve been putting the cart before the horse.
I’ve been seeking my purpose, what I can do for God, my fulfillment, instead of seeking the One who gives me purpose, the One who has done all for me, the One who alone fulfills.
No wonder I’m discontent- I’m searching for fulfillment in all the wrong places.
God didn’t call me to go on the World Race.
He called me to know Himself, using, in my case, the World Race for a year.
Jesus Christ is the end goal. The World Race is just part of a means to an end.
Now, midway into my third month on this amazing Journey of knowing God in a deeper way, I am choosing to be present where my Father has placed me. To choose to embrace the abandonment of former things, the awkwardness, the preferences, and the expectations. To choose to press into relationships, recognizing that differences are beautiful when you are linked by a common Goal, the unity won at the Cross by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. To choose to submit to my Father’s good and perfect hand, which supplies me with all that I need precisely when I need it.
My natural aversion to discomfort, waiting, and the unexpected still grumbles a lot. But I’m realizing that’s okay. Self needs to learn it’s place. I’m learning to take my drawn-up plans (with those carefully-plotted, non-negotiable Points A, B, and C) and, instead of submitting as a suggestion and/or demand to the Father, surrendering them in a trusting exchange of what He has for me.
God ultimately didn’t call me to go on an 11-month missions trip around the world.
God has called me into a rich, life-long journey to draw ever closer to Himself.
