It’s time.
Our year (eleven months) of worldwide ministry is coming to a close. 46 weeks and 11 countries later, we find ourself looking at each other and at the airline tickets in our hands, preparing to be standing on US soil in less than 48 hours.
I’m feeling a little bit like a deer in the headlights, unsure of what to think and feel and then everything is happening so fast, but at the same time it feels as if it’s dragging along for an eternity –
I’m ready to be back in the States. I really am.
I can’t wait to hug my Mom.
I can’t wait to hold my Dad’s hand.
I can’t wait to spend a long, long time in a comfortable bed with MY pillow and ice cold air conditioning, and to then get up and go out to MY car (alone!!!!!) and drive wherever I want to go, listening to whatever I want to listen to for hours.
(Chipotle and Chick-Fil-A are also pretty high up on that list.)
But, at the same time, I’ve just spent a year developing a new “normal” for my life.
As of this particular moment, things that are “normal life” in America are not “normal” for me right now.
I’m not used to drinking water out of a faucet.
I’m not used to using US currency. (I held a US quarter in my hand the other day and almost dropped it because I was so shocked at now unnatural the size felt, compared to all the other coins I’ve held this year.)
I’m not used to options. Case in point: I brought two pairs of shoes with me on the Race. I’ve been wearing one pair EVERY SINGLE DAY this past year. I’ve worn the other pair about 6 times.
I’m not used to permanency. We have been packing up and moving nearly every three weeks. I can’t wait to stop living out of a backpack and to be settled down.
In a sense, I’m not used to thinking independently, as we’ve been making six-people and eight-people and fifty-people decisions this past year.
My head is a flying mess of important cultural rules, currency exchange rates, landmarks and maps to find my way back to where we are staying this week, names, more names, our schedule (what we know of it), if it’s my turn to plan team time, calculating whether or not I have money to spend on these sketchy-sounding “beef burgers” or if I should stick with fried rice (always a wise call), what’s going on with my family at a given point in time, time zone differences from where I currently am to the East Coast, wifi passwords to a half-dozen Internet cafes, all of this liberally peppered with a smattering of vocabulary and phrases from 11 different countries.
It’s a bit chaotic up there.
Add to this the fact that my heart is still grieving the loss of good-byes from around the globe; people who touched my life in a pivotal way that I will, most likely, never see again this side of Heaven. At times I think that I have processed these and that I’m okay, but then I remember the faces, the hearts, the conversations, the laughter and the tears, and I’m a mess again. Even now as I type this, my eyes are filling with tears from the ache in the place they touched in my heart.
Relationships have been the biggest part about this past year, for me.
Especially relationships with the 50 members of K Squad.
While everything else around us has been inconsistent, our squad has banded together. The people on your team, whether you like them or not, are YOUR PEOPLE. These are the faces that you see every hour of every day, whether you want to or not. They see you at your best and also at your hangry, sleep-deprived grumpy worst. These are the people that you talk to until 2am, the ones who hold you and cry with you when you just can’t take it anymore, the ones who laugh with you (or sometimes at you), the ones who get under your skin, the ones you talk to about your dreams and your fears and your family, the ones to whom you can show off new pictures of your nieces, the ones you work alongside and pray alongside and seek the Lord together even (and especially) when you don’t understand.
These are the ones that have taught me what it means to allow people to love me, how to communicate in a healthy way, how to learn about how we as humans are each different and how to bend, to humble myself and my preferences in order to show you love, how to speak the truth to one another even when it’s hard because passivity and silence is NOT love.
Gathering together with my squad for a few last days of debrief, rest, and catching up, I look around and I see different people than the ones with whom I originally set out upon this journey.
I see men and women who have submitted themselves under the rule of Jesus Christ.
I see men and women who have chosen in to God’s Kingdom instead of their own.
I see men and women who have undergone loss, pain, and betrayal and still they choose to believe that their Father has a higher purpose than they can see and they bless His name.
I see men and women who actually SEE each other instead of being wrapped up in themselves.
Dynamics of relationships change drastically when you are with the same people day-in and day-out for so many months. It’s a bit inevitable that you are going to get incredibly close.
It’s been a year since we have all known each other and 11 months since we left the States.
And, this Friday, we are all stepping off of that plane in Miami headed in separate directions.
Part of me isn’t going to know what it’s like not traveling in a herd of 50 people.
Most of me isn’t going to know what to do, having every piece of my life for the past year except for my backpack and my laundry bag suddenly disappear, like when you wake up from a realistic dream and, in the daylight, everything that was real vanishes.
I’m not really sure what is going to happen.
I don’t really have the answer for that deer in the headlights, except hitting my knees and trusting that my Father is going to abundantly pour out His grace.
I say all of this to show you a little bit of my heart, and let you in on what I already know, which is that I don’t really know where I am with processing this year ending and a new one beginning.
It’s all a bit jumbled and it’s probably going to take some time to iron it back out.
It’s perfectly fine to ask me about my past year, but please give me grace if I don’t quite have an answer yet. So much can happen in a year, and so much did. If I don’t have words yet, please just hug me and let me know that it’s fine, that words will come, that you’re excited to have me back. I want to talk about this year. I want to answer your questions, and tell you the funny and embarrassing travel stories, the weird things I’ve eaten, the people I’ve met, the pivotal turning points in my life, the difficult periods and the more restful ones. So please don’t stop asking. My internal processor is just a little bit slow, and the sharp, deep emotions of heart-memory are difficult to translate into words.
I am so excited to not only fill you in on my past year, but also to hear about yours. Please seek me out and let’s set up a time to talk, to exchange testimony of how our Father has met and shown Himself, to hear about what He is currently doing in your life. (Also- anybody that loves cooking and wants to try some international dishes, hit me up! I have some favorite Nepali, Thai, Indian and Salvadoran dishes that I want to try to replicate!)
Currently, my plan is to hermit away with my family for a few days upon returning to the States; selfishly, I want to spend time alone with them first before returning back to Greenville. I also am thrilled to be able to spend a couple of weeks in July with my family in Wyoming. I’ll probably still have my phone in airplane mode for a bit (that is SUCH a wonderful feature!), but I’ll resurface soon, when I’m ready.
Please continue to lift up my squad and me as we are beginning the transition home this weekend. Pray that we will be able to say our full good-byes and leave nothing unsaid, that we will continue to run well the race of life that our Father has laid out before each of us, and not just stop with the conclusion of the World Race.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your support during this entire process. Thank you for your generosity and prayers that allowed me to be here this past year, which in turn allowed me to learn so much more about myself and the Lord than I have before. God’s ways are so much higher than ours, and I am in awe of how He has led and met so incredibly abundantly throughout this entire journey. I know that He will continue as I begin this next season.
