This is that wonderful time of the year when people reflect back on the past twelve months and review all the events that have occurred. They look at their attitudes, their physical appearances, and their spirituality and make resolutions on how to improve their lives in the next twelve months. Usually I write a list of resolutions for the New Year that are so generic and overarching that there is no way I can fail, but this year:
I want to throw things for a loop:
I have decided.
I have made a clear choice.
I don’t want this just for the next year.
I want this for the rest of my life.
I know it will be hard.
BUT I know it will be worth it.
This is my resolution: to love until it hurts.
I have spent the past four months praying for the Lord to break my heart and open it up to His love, even when it does hurt. And the Lord has answered my prayers time and time again at the end of each month. Every ministry site I leave I find myself holding back the floodgates of snot while my liquid from my eyes slowly leak down my cheeks. There is something beautiful about leaving someone or something you know you will meet back in heaven, but it also hurts. This month will be no different.
My heart has never been so crushed, humiliated, and broken than in these past four months here on the World Race; and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. For one of the first times in my life, I feel. This sounds ridiculous, and I know that I am not a robot controlled by a cat, but I think the Lord has really opened up my heart to experience a wider range of emotions in order to live more ecclesiastically.
I have spent the past four months of my life having my heart shattered then pieced back together with a new ministry site, and I think that those times of sadness have opened up my heart to the joy and freedom I feel in Christ. It is a good way to continue to yield any comfort I have in emotions and to simply dive in to all that the Lord wants me to do for Him.
This may be a ridiculous idea, but I think I have realized that life is not lived when you are apathetic or just drifting wherever the wind takes you. I think that life is a series of scheduled events that are placed in our lives in order to make a decision: are we going to embrace the situation and choose to love and serve the best we can, or are we simply going to let the moment pass us by?
What is your resolution for the next year? Is it something you want for only the next year, or is it something that you could use for the rest of your life?
