I have always been able to tell when I am not in the presence of the Lord: when I am not pursuing Him or His will. And it is no surprise that, seven months into one of the most growing trips of my life, I hit a point where I have no desire to seek the Lord. In the midst of prayers and sermons and ministry and service, I lose my passion. This became my new song:
I love you more
But I want to love you more
I need you God
But I want to need you more
I’m desperate for a desperate heart
I’m reaching out, I’m reaching
All that I am is dry bones without you Lord
A desert soul
I’m broken but running towards you God
You make me whole
I’m lost without
Your creative spark in me,
I’m dead inside
Lest your resurrection saves,
You are exactly what we need
Only you can satisfy
Rend Collective “Desert Soul”
I knew that the Lord wanted to work in me. I knew that there were blessings in the midst of seeking the Lord. I knew that just sitting here and waiting was not what the Lord wanted me to do. I knew that He had a plan for my life greater than anything I can imagine, and yet I felt dry, and I had no desire to hydrate myself. I wasn’t against the Lord but I was definitely not in any rush to get out of the heat that was robbing me of the Holy Spirit.
My bones were cracking. My throat was parched. Air was no longer able to flow through my body because there were no tunnels to invade. Joints were broken as I descended to the sandy floor. The sun continued to beat down on the lifeless pile of bones that I felt I had become. And then the Lord:
“The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of the valley, it was full of bones . . . And they were very dry. And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” and I answered, “O Lord God, you know.” . . . So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them . . . So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceeding great army.”
Ezekiel 37: 1-10
I took a breath.
Speaking the truth into my life felt like taking a breath of cool air, one that I could feel travel from the back of my throat to the tiny sacs of air in my lungs. Even the tiniest passage had the largest impact in my life. My brain was fully functioning. My heart was beginning to feel again. My life was back.
Here go five more of the most amazing months on the race!
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For you are with me;
Your rod and your staff,
They comfort me. “
Psalm 23: 4
