A few weeks have passed since I wrote the first blog on my attitude. I let it marinate on my hard drive for a few weeks before I actually posted it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be that real on the internet for the world to see. I also struggled because I really didn’t want anyone to know those things about me. I wanted everyone to think that I was the perfect, happy, little missionary that I am supposed to be.
I also want to be real with all of you. Life is hard on a few levels.
First and foremost we are all struggling with how to be present here and yet not completely remove ourselves from home. I, for one, have been living one foot in and one foot out. I am here and I love it, but I am also very interested in what is happening in the lives of family and friends in the States.
Secondly, I am coming to realize that you can be a missionary and still be a human being. A person that has good days and bad days, a person that can be grumpy, complacent, and then happy and smiling.
Thirdly, as much as we want to fool ourselves, we all like stability and the World Race is the antidote to stability. We never know where we may be sleeping, how we will get there, or what we will be eating. It is all part of the fun, but it also adds an element of stress to our lives as well.
I have been in Mozambique for the past few weeks and we have had our share of TIA (this is Africa) moments while we are here and God has been teaching me so many things. The first is about trust. He needs me to be fully present here. One foot in and one foot out just isn’t working. I came to realize that He is continually asking “Do you trust me?� Do I trust Him with my family? Do I trust him with my finances, do I trust Him enough to rest exactly where He has placed me and let Him figure out the rest? We all want to jump up and down and shout “yes Lord!�, but there is a difference in shouting it and actually living it. He is giving me the chance every single day to live it.
Second, it’s ok to want warm showers. It is no secret that I am obsessive �”compulsive about my cleanliness. Just ask my teammates who stand by watching as I am constantly sponging out my tent! Just today I took everything out and unstaked it because there was an entire sandbox that had to be dumped out or I could not sleep! The Lord never told me I had to go away for a year and be perfectly pleasant every single day. That is a restriction and expectation that I put on myself that was clearly unrealistic. He asks for obedience to follow Him everyday. That’s all. When I falter and have grumpy days it is my job to ask for forgiveness and try again tomorrow. What a load off my shoulders to know that He is not expecting perfection right off the bat. I ask him to make me more and more like Jesus each day and He will be faithful to answer that prayer.
Thirdly, He is sovereign. Read that again, He Is Sovereign. He knows where I will sleep, where I will eat, who I will talk to, and what country I should visit. Why should I worry about these things when He already has it figured out and knew before I was even born? “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be� Psalm 139:16 I will rest knowing He has it worked out.
So many of my expectations of missionary life were completely off-base. The biggest difference in my expectation versus reality is that I never dreamed I would learn so much about the character of God. I truly thought I knew Him pretty well, and I thought I knew myself pretty well too. He has spent the past month showing me that I didn’t know either of us very well. The character of God is so much more amazing than I can begin to comprehend. He is molding me and shaping me in the most gentle, yet firm way He can. My prayer is that I would continue to be pliable and receptive to his molding.
Isaiah 64: 8 “Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.�
I am truly living an unbelievable lifestyle of community, serving God, and loving anyone who comes along our path. What a joy to be living exactly as He intends.
What is He teaching you today, this week, this month?
