I found myself at House Church sharing about our awesome God and all the things he had taught me. It is overwhelming sometimes to try and consolidate 11 months into 20 minutes, but as we worshiped the Lord gave me a clear message on faith. It was fantastic and I believe that the Lord was honored as I shared. As the night went on He also gave me a scripture to share with Chuck. Chuck is going through some transition professionally and the Lord led me to share this with him:
We left and went on our merry way and as I got ready for bed that night it dawned on me that the Scripture was also for me! I had been struggling all week with “what do i do now?” and God put it so plainly under my nose.
Before coming to GA I had been in KY for a week and it was one of my toughest weeks since being home. I never dreamed that it would be so hard to spend time in a place that I truly love. Before the Race I truly lived the life of riley and loved everything about my life. I loved my job, my friends, my church, my lifestyle, everything! Imagine my surprise when I come back and everything is seemingly the same, but yet so different. I no longer have a “home” there, I am not sure that my church can continue to meet my spiritual needs, and so many of my friends have moved on in life (married, babies, etc…). Nothing wrong with any of those things, just different. It no longer feels like home.
Sometimes when we ask God for direction he is very clear and doors are slammed shut. We complain about it, but hey, at least it is clear! I feel like I have spent an entire week peering into doorways and then having to gently push the door shut myself. I am not sure which is worse; the gentle tap shut, or the slam. I have had to look squarely in the eye at a few very GOOD things in my life and gently shut the door. Not forever, but for this season. I have complete peace about decisions I am making, but that doesn’t make them hurt any less. I still linger and my fingertips remain on the doorknob just a minute longer.
All this to say I honestly feel like I spent the entire week breaking up with my old life. And it was a darn good life. I thought leaving for a year was difficult, but it was always tempered with “I’ll be back in a year”. This time it is open-ended and there isn’t the underlying comfort of “it’s just temporary”. I don’t know God’s plan for me yet and I am okay with that, but I do know that He is asking me to make decisions about how I will lead my life. This breakup is less about location and more about lifestyle choices. Will I make hard decisions to follow Jesus?
dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up: do
you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in
the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19
One of my favorite pastors is Bill Johnson and in a recent sermon he remarked “God opens one door and shuts another, but it is hell in the hallway” and that perfectly describes where I am at right now. The hallway.
