I wrote this blog a few weeks ago in the Philippines and wasn’t sure if I would ever post it, but it definitely resonated in my heart. After a weekend in LA and back on American soil the battle rages…
I think God has used this year of my life for so much good; we have seen miracles, we have feed hungry children, we have hugged and loved prostitues, but most of all he has used the year to strip me completely of my identity and rebuild me back in His image and give me HIS purposes for my life. It is weird if you think about it, Genesis tells me that I was created in his image: “Then the Lord GOD said ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…'”(Genesis 1:26), so why has it taken God 29 years to convince me of this fact? Why did he need to take me around the world to completely wreck my man-made identity and show me who I really looked like?
Because HE loves me that much.
He loves me enough that he knew my “normal” life back home wasn’t going to be enough. I would never be satisfied. My mom asked me that once, she asked why I could never be satisfied, why I was always looking for the next adventure. At the time I was quickly defensive and didn’t have a clear answer. I do now: God put that dis-satisfaction in me. He wants big things for my life, and not just a big house, big cars, big titles, big vacations, etc…
His word says that he has set eternity in the hearts of men.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity
in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from
beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
Read it again. He has set ETERNITY in the hearts of man. Do you understand what this means for us? Of course you can’t, and neither can I. The very next verse says “yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end!” We can not even begin to understand what God has done and what he is doing.
I am by no means a theologian, but I do know that the ETERNITY he has placed in my heart and your heart looks a little different than the lifestyle that I was chasing in America.
I was, and am, a privileged girl. Everything I had was a product of hard-working grandparents, aunts and uncles and parents and I will never discount all of the wonderful things I was blessed with because of their sacrifices. They instilled deep values in me and I am indebted to them for modeling a rich faith, a strong work ethic and the medicine of laughter. They continue to smile through trials and keep on keeping on. They have also allowed me the luxury of soul searching and God searching. They listen to my hair-brained ideas of saving the World and smile patiently when I say things like “I want to run a marathon’ or ‘I want to travel around the World for God for a year”. God knows how many of those gray hairs on my Dad’s head have my name on them!
But, (you knew there was a but coming)…what was I chasing and why? 
Will I continue to chase it when I return stateside? There is a battle raging in my soul right now and it centers of that question. I think that is why my voice has been so silent on blogs lately. I really don’t know how to accurately put words to the battle. I don’t know how to describe what is happening, nor am I sure that God really wants me to put words to it yet, but it is there.
I have realized this month how easily I could slide back into American society. I could easily slip back into an awesome job, a comfortable lifestyle, busyness in the name of God, and amazing friends and family. While all of those things are amazing and blessings from the Lord, I know He has called me to be more for His Kingdom. I have had a re-occurring dream the past month where I return to my life and this year just fades into the background as one of many years in my life and it is billed as an “experience”. I saw great things, did great things; but ultimately it was just a trip.
For me that is a nightmare. This is so much more than just a trip. This is the turning point. This is where I see and feel the ETERNITY that he has put in my heart and then I decide to chase it. Chase the eternity HE has put in my heart.
But there in lies the battle in my soul. if I chase this eternity, I most definitely can’t chase my old lifestyle. Not because one is better than the other (well, actually maybe one is better, but that is a whole other blog), but because that is what HE has set in my heart. And, ultimately, aren’t we all chasing what He has put in our hearts?
