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I’m secured in a harness, hanging from a cable, about to go flying through the air with full confidence that this cable will keep me from dropping to my death. All the straps have been pulled tight. My feet are swinging freely above the ground already. I can sense the adventure to come, and the energy of anticipation is wreaking havoc in my mind and body. There’s just this one rope holding me here at the “safe” side that I’m clinging to. The only thing left is to let go.
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There are two ways that I see this image. The first is from my own perspective, as I frantically dig my fingers into the rope (if you can frantically do a static action) and try to work up the courage to let go. Here, I am overwhelmed by so many emotions: fear, anticipation, nervousness, and excitement among them. I can’t think about anything besides the task in front of me and whether or not it’s okay to ask to be let back down to the ground. But I’ve already come so far!
The second is from an onlooker’s perspective. You feel a similar anticipation and you can guess at the fear I must feel, but it’s nowhere near the thundering of my heart while I’m hanging there myself. You cheer me on, trying to convince me to let go, even though you seriously doubt that I can actually hear you. Nothing would be more saddening than to see me back down.
I don’t know where this image came from – it was just in my head one day. You could say that it’s from God; you might even be able to say that it was a vision. I don’t know what that means and, quite honestly, that word still scares me even after seven months on the World Race. But here’s what I see in it:
I’m hanging onto the rope that is keeping me from this grand adventure. It’s the “safe” place to be. I’m too scared to let go and fly. I don’t really trust that the cable won’t snap. In the same way, I believe God wants to take me on a grand adventure, but I’m holding on to the safety rope – my closely held beliefs founded in conservative evangelical Christianity and the worldview I grew up with. But what if the world is bigger than that worldview? What if the God I believe in is bigger than the box I’ve put Him in? Do I really trust that He’ll keep His hold on me when I begin that free fall of faith?
Ever since I decided to go on the World Race, I’ve been seeking out other perspectives and worldviews. I was amazed to see that you could both really, truly believe in Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection and really, truly believe that identifying as anything besides “straight” didn’t condemn you to hell. Maybe you can really experience God for yourself, and He does want to speak to YOU PERSONALLY through yes, maybe, His Word…but in so many other ways too. Maybe we don’t have to cling so closely to the interpretations we have of the Bible; maybe it isn’t the ultimate truth. Maybe God Himself is the Ultimate Truth and we should seek His Truth and not anyone else’s. Maybe you can be a “heretic” and call the creation story in Genesis a myth – and still be a beautiful, God-honoring, people-loving, grace-giving human being. Maybe there is more to Christianity than what I’ve always known, and maybe the other denominations aren’t wrong. Maybe we can find God just as much – or even more – in other churches that worship differently than we are used to.
All this to say… I’m questioning. It’s terrifying. I don’t know where I stand yet. Maybe I’ll go back to what I always knew and it might not be a bad thing… or maybe I’ll change to be some kind of flaming-liberal-heretic who still loves Jesus. But I will trust that the God I’m coming to know (in the conocer way in addition to the saber way) will not catch me when I fall but that He won’t even let me fall. He’ll carry me safely the whole way, and I’ll conocer Him more when we land on the other side, ready for the next adventure.
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If you’ve been following my blog, maybe you’ll remember a post that I wrote on adventures at the beginning of the year. I knew that the adventures God would take me on would be both tangible and intangible, and that some would cross the lines that separate tangibility from intangibility. I wasn’t expecting this one – but here’s to having no expectations, as the World Race constantly reminds us to do. I’m going to try to keep writing adventures out as the year goes on, Race-related or not.
*disclaimer: no, padres, I did not go bungee jumping. or giant swinging, even though that sounds great. it’s just a metaphor.
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