Tonight as I lay here in bed I can feel my heart beating. It’s quicker than usual and I’m just trying to fall asleep.
But I was just thinking of home.
Home. In this moment, that word carries so much weight.
It means that in less than two weeks I will be able to squeeze real tight some of the people I’ve been missing most. It’s also means that I will have hugged some of the people I will be missing and could potentially never get to hug again.
It means that in less than two weeks I will back in my home state with access to loved ones, places, food, and customs that are familiar. It also means that I be missing meeting new people, getting acquainted with new places, trying different foods and encountering customs and cultures completely different than mine.
It means that in less than one week we will be finished with our last month of ministry and making our way to final debrief. And then my time on the World Race will be finished.
The list just keeps going. Thinking about home really does raise a myriad of questions, hopes, fears, memories and other random thoughts.
Did I give this thing my all? Have I really pushed into what the Lord has asked of me? What is it going look like to continue deep pursuit of the Lord once I get home? I can’t wait to have access to all my clothes again, but will they still fit? Praise Hands – ordering a cup of coffee at a restaurant and getting a refill is going to be a thing again! Remember that time when the Nani Nuns dyed pieces of their hair blue, and then red, and then purple-ish pink? Or when you couldn’t stop crying because you realized that you were seeking love from people more than the unconditional love of the Father? Or how about that time in Zimbabwe when you thought lions, hyenas and crocodiles would be a real threat and waiting for you outside your tent? What are you going to do once you get home?
My mind is all over the place these days. Fatigue is real. Community is great but not always easy. Teaching English to beginning learners is hard but when you’re patient and take the time needed to really teach the right way to say a word, it’s genuinely appreciated. Figuring out what to keep and what to put in the free pile is liberating and challenging all at the same time. Thoughts of home and meeting with people and setting up normal life stuff like car insurance are continually sprinkled throughout all the in betweens.
Home. It just keeps creeping in there at an accelerated rate.
So what am I going to be doing after the Race? I honestly have no idea.
For the first time in my life I have a tangible awareness of how anything is an option as well as the entire world really is an option. Like I can do any or go any where that the Lord calls me to. That’s big, isn’t it? What I do know is that I’ve been called to a season of patience and waiting. The Lord has shown me what it looks like to trust those with information and that they will impart what I need to know when I need to know it. There’s such freedom in not worrying about details and having faith that things are being handled. So now the Lord has asked me to show Him that same trust in regards to my next season of life. I have faith that He will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it and that He will continue to care for my needs in the interim. This doesn’t get me off the hook from doing anything but I know that I will experience a peace that passes understanding when I find the thing I am supposed to do.
Hmm, I think my heart rate has calmed down. Maybe these were words that needed to be said. I’ve found it quite difficult to put words to the experiences that I’ve encountered on the Race but if there’s one thing that I can say has been a constant, it’s that I know the Lord has been with me every minute of this journey. And just because my time as a World Racer will end doesn’t change that constant.
