A heavy heart boiled with exhaustion, irritation and frustration. “Choose joy,” I kept telling myself. But it was too late. I just centimeters away from a breaking point. It had been too long since I last rested. “When will I ever learn my limits?” My days were filled with screen time of emails, Skype calls and list making. The last thing I wanted to do was get back on my computer. Or my phone. Or any electronic device.
In that moment I was surrounded by community, fun, food and games. But I found no peace, no comfort, no joy. How convenient. A lump rose in the back of my throat and the tears I’d been denying all morning were about to break the surface. I sought solace in the only place on the Race one can physically be alone – the bathroom. Thank goodness it was a one room stall.
The tears began to fall as soon as I shut the door. It was one of those “ugly cries.” Snot. Tears. Raccoon eyes. Regardless of my appearance, I embraced it. I let the emotions flow through and out with those tears. Bittersweet. Yet freeing.
It was my second month of Squad Leading and all hell was breaking loose around me. But I held it together, I pushed through, I sought the Lord and was listening to His voice. Things were coming together little by little. All seemed well or as well as it could be considering the circumstances. So why was I such a mess?
Mid-race where I felt the Lord was refining me and making me “my strongest,” homesickness and unfulfilled expectations hit me upside the head and straight through my heart. I was mourning losses that I had no control over and struggling with dreams, hopes and desires that had no place in month 6 of the World Race. Why here? Why now? I didn’t have time for that. “No tiempo.”
I desperately sought the Lord for a word. Something. Anything. An anguished heart is the worst. “Psalm 13.”
1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? 3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death. 4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me.
Can I get an amen? Every word in this Psalm described the toil, anguish, sorrow, despair and mourning ravaging my heart. But as I read and reread verses 5 & 6 light broke into the darkness, joy and hope began to reappear. It’s true, I trust in my Father’s unfailing love, my heart rejoices in His salvation. I delight and sing praises because He has been good to me.
Figure out how to praise Him in every circumstance. Continue to turn my perspective up towards Him. Regardless of the situation. I clung to that Psalm like a life raft, meditating on it morning and night. The following morning as my heart still hung heavy with sorrow, I looked up over the city of Bogotá and saw that my Father heard my plea for He responded in a way that affirmed His goodness and love for me: He sent me a rainbow.
And it didn’t stop there. The next day as I lifted my prayers and heart to Him he sent me another:
And as I mourned our last day of ministry in Bogotá and leaving a family I have come to love deeply He once more emphasized His promise and goodness beyond my expectations with not only one rainbow but many:
Over a period of 3 days I saw five rainbows. Each one appearing at the exact moment in the morning I spent with my Father. It’s hard to push through the rough patches and heavy hearts but the Lord is always present and always listening. His love never ends and His goodness lasts for eternity. Take hope, find joy and sing praise. Psalm 13.
