I wrote this blog back in December:
So.. it’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. To be honest, I have gotten on here multiple times the past few months trying to start a new blog post. I’ve started to write a few different posts and then ended up getting distracted or putting it of to finish “later”, which always becomes the next week and then the next month. I have been listening to the lies that what I have to say doesn’t matter, that I am going to sound crazy, and no one wants to read it anyway. I have struggled with overthinking and anxiety for years and when it comes to picking one topic to write about I freeze. How do I write about one topic when there are a million thoughts running through my head? Maybe I don’t have to. This may sound so silly to some of you guys reading but it’s a real struggle for me. It’s honestly a miracle I made it through college. Focusing on one task has always been hard for me. I get excited and tend to start multiple things at once and rarely finish things. Then I get down on myself for not finishing anything once again. For example, right now I am thinking of all the other topics I want to write about and how and when am I going to instead of sticking with what I started with. So bare with me as I will probably go off on many tangents here….
It’s really cool how God is using this trip and the preparation for it to grow me and challenge me. I’ve wanted to blog and write for a while now but let my doubts and fears get in the way and never started.. And some laziness. Well I did technically start, I made accounts on various blogging sites and wrote a couple blogs, but never posted them. Like I said, I struggle with finishing things, with following through with what I know I should do. This has become a cycle in my life and very much so a part of who I am. I have attached this label to myself. That I don’t finish anything, that things are too hard and my mind is too overwhelmed to slow down and be in the present moment. That I always start things and then run away when it gets hard. When there is conflict and too much challenge, when I can’t see what’s ahead, I tend to freeze, shut down. I’m learning that life is on the other side of this tension. One of my old pastors in Hawaii said, “If your stuck, it means you have to do something really hard.” I love this, but I also really hate it haha. I have been stuck for years now. I’ve been running from doing and overcoming the “hard” thing. Yes it’s hard to break these old habits, these ways of living that have become so comfortable yet so freaking uncomfortable to me, but it is harder to continue to live this way. So here’s to believing more in myself and in God. I can do the hard thing, I can live in freedom and peace. I can overcome this battle of my mind.
While I’m on the Wold Race, I am supposed to blog to fundraise and update my supporters, especially once I leave. So thank Adventures in Missions for setting up this blog site and getting me to write. Who knows if I ever would have started without this little kick in the butt.
After I left Hawaii a year and a half ago (holy cow time goes by so fast) I knew God was calling me into a season of rest and that I needed to take time for myself (for once) to heal and go to counseling. Of course, I continued to put counseling off. I was overwhelmed, I didn’t know where to start and how to find one. I didn’t want to spend the money. Once again I was in a new city and did not have any connections. SO many excuses. I started to believe the lies that counseling wouldn’t really help me. That no one would truly understand me. That this is just how I am and these were my struggles for life. HOW STUBBORN and NEGATIVE AM I!!!
After getting accepted to go on the World Race, I was told that I needed to go to counseling to heal more from my past and to prepare for the trip. Once again, thank you AIM for pushing me to find a counselor and start this new season. Finding a good counselor/mentor who I connect with has been something I’ve wanted for years. I knew I needed help. I’ve gone to psychologists, and some counseling on and off in the past but never consistently. Something I’ve learned is that it can be a process to find someone you connect and feel safe with. Right when I started to look for a counselor, those lies crept in saying, “do you really think this will help you”, “no one has understood you in the past”, “counseling doesn’t really work”.. and the worst one of all, “you may feel better for a moment but you know you will go back to this darkness and how you’ve always lived sooner or later”.
I’ve listened to my inner critic, the lies of the enemy and this world for too long now. I’ve said the words, “I can’t do this” way too many times. And I have sadly believed this. That I can’t focus and write a blog, that I can’t get my thoughts together and stay organized, that I can’t raise the money for this trip because I don’t know enough people, that I have moved around too much and am alone in this journey. That I struggle too much and shouldn’t go on a trip like this, that I should keep to myself and continue to live small, that I should give up… WHOA girl listen to what you are speaking over yourself!
This has been the year of God opening up my eyes to see the lies I’ve been believing. Learning more about the power of my mind and what I speak over myself. The year of and me trying to be more compassionate, kind to myself, and relearning what grace actually means. This year I’ve seen how comparison truly is the killer of joy and robs you of life. This year I’ve gone to counseling and talked about things I didn’t want to. This year I’ve read way too many self help books. This year I’ve learned how spending too much time alone is not good for me. I am still learning my triggers and how to be the healthiest version of myself. This year I am learning to love Alli. I am learning to surrender and let go.
To anyone else out there who is struggling and thinks they can’t. You CAN. Me finishing this blog, going to counseling, applying and getting accepted to the World Race, is proof that God can give you the discipline and power to conquer whatever it is you need to. He has helped me get out of my head and start moving forward. God has been there all along, and has brought me so far, even when it feels like I’m in the same spot.
Stop giving power to the lies and remind yourself of the truth. No matter how easy it is to believe the lies, because you have for years. No matter what you’re feeling in the moment. It’s just a feeling, it’s not who you are or what is true. Look at yourself in the mirror today and tell yourself “YOU CAN”. Don’t get defeated if you are still battling the same things you have for years. You are not a mess even though your life feels like a mess. You find life and God in the mess.
PS: thank you to everyone who read my last post (last year) and who has supported me so far! Whether that’s financially, emotionally or through prayer. It means more to me than you know. Thank you for believing in me.
Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
