I’m not really sure where this blog is going to go. I just know I need to write one today. It’s been almost two months since my last blog and a lot has happened during that time, a lot of good and a little bit of bad. But God has shown up so much and has been so present during this time before the race.
He’s shown up in sweet moments with my friends. In conversations with strangers. He’s provided my gear. Just this weekend I raised over $700 at my garage sale, an article came out in the paper about my race, had someone offer to help cover the cost of some of my shots, and had my tent taken care of. I have also been approached by a few individuals who are interested in supporting me. It’s been a blessed weekend for sure.
But deep deep down, there’s this voice that says I’m unworthy. That my performance has not matched the amount of love, support, and encouragement I have received. It tells me that I need to work harder, or I’m not going to receive any more support. Yet, it distracts me when I try to be productive. It keeps me from blog-writing, it kept me from planning out what I was going to say at my church until 10pm the night before, it tells me not to ask for help-it fosters my pride. It makes me feel crummy and miserable. I begin to think that God must be frustrated with me and probably wants to forget all about me.
This has been a problem for me for a while. As a part of my acceptance to the World Race, I have been seeing a counselor for the past few months. One thing that my counselor is having me work on is identifying and stopping negative thoughts like these by looking for the evidence that these lies I’m hearing are indeed lies.
The truth is that God LOVES me. He delights in me. He wants to bless me. Sure I can be selfish and prideful, but He holds me to a standard of grace. I don’t have anything to prove to Him. He’s not going to cut me off and stop providing for me because I didn’t commit my week to fundraising. He blesses me because He loves me.
I think I just really want Him to be proud of me. Something I’m beginning to learn and trust is that He is so proud of me. Not because of anything I have done, but because I am His. When I let that truth fall over me, it takes all of the pressure of performance off. And when that’s gone, I can truly find joy in whatever I’m doing. Like this weekend at my garage sale, I said “ok, God. This might be a bust, but I trust that you will provide and that the success or failure of this garage sale won’t change how you feel about me”. I was actually able to have fun and relax, and God came through and did way more than I could have imagined.
So my challenge, to myself and to you is to live your day out resting in the peace and joy that comes from knowing that God is proud of you, He loves you, and He gives you grace.
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20
