Speaking my story is easy, writing it is apparently difficult. I’ve sat here staring at a blank Word document for a half hour trying to decide where to start, what details can be cut out, and whether or not I should include the typical, “I grew up in a Christian home” bit. But I have a feeling this blog could get really long, really fast so here’s a brief introduction to my life:
I did grow up in a Christian home with loving parents and four sisters. One special part of my life includes having a large extended family, and a close one at that. My family spent a lot of time with one of my dad’s brothers and his family in particular. Practically every holiday, every birthday, and every Sunday we were together. Us cousins were each other’s best friends, and my Aunt and Uncle became like second parents to me. I liked this life, it was comfortable and loving and fun. But entering into college, my whole world was about to be turned upside down.
You see, when I was 12, I was molested by one of my cousins. I didn’t tell anyone what happened then, and I didn’t share it with anyone until I was a senior in high school. Even after telling that one person, I very quickly shoved it back down, thinking that sharing it once was enough. During this time, I became very angry and hardened towards people. I didn’t let anyone in, not even God. I was still involved with my church and youth group, but I only let God in to certain areas of my life.
Then my freshman year at college came and I got involved with the religious life community on campus. That fall, I went on the religious life retreat that ended up changing my life. One night, we were divided into our teams and were told to share parts of our lives with each other. I don’t remember my thought process beforehand, but I ended up telling my group that night about my abuse. I’ll be honest and say that I definitely regretted sharing that the next morning, and it scared me that people I barely knew, knew my deepest secret, but it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. Thankfully, one of the women in my group contacted me and made herself available to talk whenever I needed it, and has remained a faithful mentor in my life to this day. I also began counseling and reading books written by abuse survivors. It was here that I realized that I had put up a huge wall between myself and the Lord. This wound and this secret was something that I didn’t want God to touch because I knew that it would hurt and I didn’t really trust Him. But the great thing about God is that He only asks us to trust Him the tiniest bit and He does the rest of the work. So I decided to let Him in, giving Him tiny pieces of my heart to heal and put back together.
I remember telling my counselor that I wouldn’t do 3 things: 1. I wouldn’t tell my parents, 2. I wouldn’t confront my cousin, and 3. I wouldn’t go to the police. It’s really funny how God works because He ended up leading me to do all 3 of these things. As each of these things was laid on my heart, they all seemed like too big of a mountain for me to climb, but Jesus lead me safely through each one. I remember coming out of the police station after being so scared to walk inside and feeling JOY! My burden had been lifted! My wounds were slowly being healed through the reclaiming of my story.
It wasn’t always easy. The night I confronted my cousin and his parents, I also found out that he had abused my two younger sisters as well. I’ve had to struggle with depression, anger, fear, and hate. I’ve had nights where I’ve felt completely alone and hopeless, and I have also had to fight the enemy of my soul for my life. The guilt and shame from what happened to me and my little sisters weighed heavy on my heart. I went through the “what ifs?”, I begged God to turn back time and take away all the abuse my sisters suffered and give it all to me, I wished so badly that I had said something earlier.
It’s been almost four years since that night at retreat, and God has done some huge things. He’s taken away my shame and my guilt. He’s healed me. He’s begun to heal my sisters. He has given me a passion for victims who have been through the same thing I have, He has filled me with such hope and faith that I have the courage to share my story, and love doing it! I’ve had a couple of opportunities where I have been able to share my story in front of a group of people. I’ve come to realize that each time after sharing, my burden decreased and my passion and excitement to share it again increased. By releasing my story, God has been healing my heart.
He’s been so good to me! I admit that it can be incredibly frustrating waiting on prosecution, and losing family that I was close to, and feeling like other family members have had to choose sides isn’t the most comfortable thing, but I wouldn’t change any of this for a different story. God took something that was meant for evil, that was meant to destroy me, and turned it into the most beautiful story. I encourage all of you to step into the story God has for you, to seek Him in healing, and experience all the joy and peace that He will bring.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13
