Update: I am not going to Thailand anymore (right now). BUT I am going to Africa!
In the past 2.5 weeks, I have lived some of the hardest days of my life with God. I have questioned His goodness, His faithfulness, His words spoken to me… He has had others question my character, my choices, and my faith. Again, it has not been easy.
Sunday evening, I sat in a prayer room in Toledo OH with just me, my journal, bible, pen and God. I waited on Him to start talking. To explain all of the reasons He is putting me through all of this…
You see, I had plans to go to Thailand. I had dreams, desires, and excitement for that time. I had prepared. Then, in one evening at St. Elizabeth's hospital, it all changed. I had an emergency appendectomy and could no longer leave the country for two weeks. My plans quickly dissolved, and I was left in confusion, anger, and sadness. I was no longer going to Thailand, the country that had my heart… Instead I was going to Africa… the placeof the unknown.
In the silence came one word: CONFESS.
I journaled in response, "Confess what!? You're the one who messed up my plans. Who is putting me through all of this… I GAVE UP EVERYTHING for you AND YOU DID…"
In that moment. I stopped. Speechless. All I could do is weep…
I wrote in my journal, "I can't say anything because all that I've done for you STILL isn't ANYTHING compared to what you've done for me… You rescued me. You're my Savior. You died for me. You give me life. hope. purpose. You gave EVERYTHING."
So, all alone in the prayer room, I got on my knees, and confessed. I confessed my pride. My false beliefs in who He is. The lies I fell for. My lack of faith and trust in the Creator of all. Allowing my sinful nature to rule in moments… my ability to make an excuse for anything. My lack of gratitude and so much more…
Humbly, I then asked…
"What do you expect from me in Africa?"
HE ANSWERED:
"To lead humbly and servantly
You are not in control.
I AM.
Give it up.
Surrender.
Become the person I created you to be.
It'll be as hard as you make it.
DON'T RESIST."
I leave for Uganda Sunday January 29th, 2.5 weeks later than I planned. Could I have lead to Thailand? sure. but I wouldn't be where I am. In 2.5 weeks He has transformed me to become more like Him. He has stripped me of my pride and brought me to a new deeper place of humility and dependence on Him. My faith and trust has been sharpened and strengthened. My identity as a child of God has been renewed.
I planned to be in Thailand right now. Not still in Youngstown, OH at my parents house. I can now say confidently, obviously God had other plans! I think the biggest thing I have learned about Him is, "He cares so so so much more about us knowing HIM than the plans…" He is Good. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. HE IS EVERYTHING.
I sit here in awe of His grace and goodness. I can't believe that He has chosen me to go to Uganda, Kenya, and Tanzania to lead fellow disciples in this journey. He has done so much in 2.5 weeks in me… What's He going to do in 3.5 MONTHS??!?
I wait expecting Him to move like I've never seen… I cannot be more thrilled to continue this INCREDIBLE journey with my Jesus…
Africa, Here I come… changed and READY.
There's so much more… I just can't write it all quick enough… but if you have questions, please don't hesitiate to contact me before Sunday…
