Today is my last day in Romania. I survived month 10. It’s absolutely crazy to think that I only have one month left. One month to give it all I’ve got. There are a lot of thoughts going around in circles in my head but the one thought that has been increasingly louder and more prominent is, “what is it going to be like living back in America? How is this going to work?” There have been days when I want nothing more than to be sitting on an airplane headed back to Erie, Pa. But why??? When I really think about it, imagine myself back there, I go crazy! My thoughts immediately turn to “there’s no way I could ever go back there. I don’t want that life!” Now it feels like the only way to get me to go home is to drag me kicking and screaming. This doesn’t make any sense. I have two completely conflicting thoughts in a matter of seconds.
Not only this, but I’ve also been thinking back to the sweet moments of life on the race that have made this all worth it. Here’s a look at only a few…
These Kids These Smiles
This face The Feedings
Her Hugs and Laughter These Wonderful Women
And of course my Team who has been there just about every step of the way
There’s all these people and experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world yet here I am thinking I’m ready to put it all behind me and move on towards whatever the next adventure may be. But the truth is I’ve changed. My eyes have changed. My heart has changed. I will not deny that fact. The Lord has certainly ripped me inside out at times. I will not be returning to America as the same girl I was when I left. I have seen things that you only ever hear about in the states. Things like starving children in Africa, scars of pain and hopelessness caused by wars and genocides, families affected by AIDS, women being sold or kidnapped into the industry of sex tourism and sex slavery, extreme poverty, boys as young as 8 heavily addicted to drugs and “street life”, children left to fend for themselves alone and unwanted by their parents, and spiritually lost and starving people hungry for hope and love. I could go on and on but the point is how can I see all this and not be different?
My question now is how? How am I going to merge new me with best of the old me back in the US without becoming angry at America or pretending nothing has changed? How am I going to do this adjusting thing the best way possible? How can I take all the things I’ve learned, all the blessings I’ve received, all that I’ve been given and give back?
I still have a month left on the race so I guess what I can do now is chose to speak life into the journey to come, hold on to hope and joy, have abiding faith and trust in God, and know that it’s ok to have been affected or exposed to the rest of the world.
It’s not much and I don’t have anything incredibly profound to say but this is where I’m at. Where fear and anticipation of coming home collide.
Nevertheless God is GOOD. The next chapter of my life is going to be good. The World Race is certainly not the climax of my life. Now I can just let my spirit get excited and have peace.
Peace gives permission to be free.
Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
