Anybody who knows me would probably fumble over their words when trying to think of how to describe me– talks too fast would definitely be in there, forgetful, probably some variation of loud or outgoing, and maybe something like happy or bubbly. Right now– I feel none of those things. I feel anxious and overloaded, aimless and stagnant. Like what I’m doing here just doesn’t matter.
Anybody who knows me would also probably mention how much I love kids. There have been so many experiences in my life where I learned so much about how my heart is on fire for all of the kiddos– serving at an incredible orphanage in Guatemala, being a camp counselor for kids with special needs + chronic illnesses, countless hours and hours babysitting and nannying, volunteering at vacation bible school and in elementary schools, and for the past 3 years, knowing and loving so many kids who live in a mountain-town in a small country called the Dominican Republic in the middle of the Caribbean Sea.
When going to the DR for the first time, I did not expect to have my life flipped upside down in a short week, or expect to be back there numerous times in the next years, leading teams to find and experience the same joy that is so clearly present there.
I just got back on Sunday from a service trip there, and coming back and adjusting back to my life here is always interesting. Sometimes it is a seamless transition, and I am able to get back into the every day groove, and sometimes my heart aches and my chest feels tight and it is hard to feel purposeful here.
I wish so badly I was able to convey what this country has meant to me. I wish so badly I had words to describe not being able to communicate fully, but loving someone like your own brother. I wish I could explain kids running into your arms with reckless trust and abandonment that simply just doesn’t make sense. I want you to feel the hot Dominican sunshine beating down when playing soccer at Anija, and taste sugar cane at the Ark. I want you to understand the transformational power of sacrificial love, or see the tears of your friend after experiencing raw vulnerability and pain.
I don’t know why I’m typing this, maybe because I’ve learned that I use words to process things, or maybe because someone needs to know they are not alone. I have learned that I am entrusted with the Dominican Republic. It is an experience and a responsibility– a responsibility to be that living, breathing invitation to experience life to the full. A responsibility to say that my own words will never be enough, but to come and see for yourself.
God is not in the Dominican Republic alone, even though sometimes I like to box Him up because it is easier that way. Easier to sit and wait and wait and wait until time comes to go back there. Easier to mope and do nothing here. But I am learning that God’s own heart is not country or nation specific. God has a heart for the nations, a relentless and pursuant love. A love I pray to know more of and to be more like every day, a love I only wish to share, and that I pray outpours out of me every day.
Yesterday, I thought I didn’t want to go on the World Race anymore. Feeling stagnant and listless after getting back, and everything described at the start of this blog, deciding it would be easier to not go. I asked my friend to remind me why.
She said, “Because you love God and you love people and you want to spread His light and hope and joy and unconditional and selfless love to people in countries that don’t get to experience any of that.”
We are each entrusted with experiences, and I pray I am able to use my heart and the way God has shown me to love people, only for His glory and to be His light.
PS if you’ve read this far, I am very thankful!!!!
