Steph- the one who loves animals. Alli- the one who sings. It isn’t uncommon when we are growing up to be labeled by our passions and talents, nor is it necessarily bad that we are. Remarking on the specific gifting God has bestowed upon us is undoubtedly beautiful, as He has crafted us in such deliberate and unique ways, and depending on how we steward these things, we can truly bring glory to His kingdom through them. However, a narrative we also know to be common is that of the person with an incredible talent or passion who becomes pridefully consumed by the label, or relies on that as his/her primary identity rather than that identity being solely found in the Lord. With that being said, my particular journey with my love for music has mirrored these stories, found somewhere in between the two.
As I grew up, it was not before long that I had developed such ambitious dreams. Dreams to be a singer and be recognized for my talent were the goals sitting on the horizon of my life. There wasn’t really a question nor a doubt in my mind that I would end up becoming famous. Although it sounds quite arrogant and a little unrealistic, I was pretty young and furthermore it was a dream. It also has to be said that there was nothing wrong with striving after something I felt passionately about. Ambitions are also not inherently bad and I don’t believe I was doing anything wrong by having them. I started playing guitar, writing songs and scheming about how I was going to get there. Performing was my thing, even though I was almost always filled with fear moments leading up to every performance (“performance” of course being a generous term for singing in church, at talent shows, or in family settings). After a few bad performances (shoutout to Steph who will probably never forget the brutal performance of “My Wish” in our school’s mass), I began to lose heart. Although I sang in the church band, I viewed every night of worship that I sang as an act – an act that I would either applaud myself for or that would be a cause for disappointment.
Perfectionism is a recurring theme in my life and a key area the enemy likes to use to alienate me from God, as I focus on things that should hold far less importance in my life rather than Christ Himself. With every missed note or self-perceived underwhelming performance, singing began to assume a label of failure and of fear. It was something that I once thought would be everything and a dream that was never nor would ever be reached. It became scary, sad, and someone else’s thing.
As I moved to college, singing was completely stripped from my identity. And that is honestly where it remained until the race. Just a stagnant, unmoving area of my life that had at this point been so skewed and twisted by my own thoughts, that the concept of the Lord’s involvement in or relation to anything having to do with my voice was almost inconceivable. Singing was something I did, then I didn’t do. Where did God fit into any of it?
Well, I’ve discovered through the race that anything the Lord gives us isn’t actually ours to keep. Singing should never have been “my thing,” or something that I considered wholly unrelated to God. Every time we utilize anything He has given us, He should be on the forefront of our minds. Turns out, singing had everything to do with Him because it came from Him. Through small nudges from the Lord, I have reintroduced singing into my life for His glory and for worship of Him. During “The Awakening,” (essentially a time for multiple world race squads to come together and worship and reflect on where we have been and what the Lord is calling us into), we were split into seven groups (groups like worship, evangelism, hospitality, and so on). We were asked to join the group we felt called to. Although I had my mind set on evangelism and had even forgotten worship was a group, while the speaker read out the groups, I felt a tug and a pit in my stomach when she read “worship.” I clearly heard, “if you don’t go it will just be fear and pride holding you back.” So with that, I went. Since then, I have entered into a new phase of recognizing the truth that what God gives each of us is not ours to keep. It isn’t about a performance anymore, or a selfish desire for recognition, or a thirst for fame – and if it has ever been I surrender those times. It is about obedience and glorifying God. This shift has led to me buying a guitar and doing things I would have been terrified to do prior to the race due to the fear of failure. I have been eager to worship Him in new ways. I hope this can be encouragement for acknowledging what He has given and relabeling that thing as a gift from Him and for Him.
Side note about what I am doing, living, and eating this month:
– Living in Chiangmai, Thailand. It is a city, which has felt completely different from the previous villages and towns. I have been eating a lot of Thai food and drinking copious amounts of Thai tea and thriving in the night markets. Also spending too much money on dried mangos. I am living in an Adventures in Missions hostel. The hostel is being used as a place for “business as missions.” This month I am blessed by full body sized towels, hot showers, clean beds, and a new team with amazing girls.
– Ministry this month is painting the hostel, as the hostel is undergoing a period of transition. This month has looked like a lot of paint stained clothes, tall ladders, and lessons to be learned in what feels like the mundane and trivial tasks.
– My favorite adventure day this month has been seeing, feeding, bathing (with mud), and rinsing off elephants! We went to an elephant sanctuary and it was an amazing experience. They are HUGE.
I am sorry it has been some time since I posted! Thank you so much for your continued prayers. I am praying for everyone who reads this as well. God bless you!
