A verse of a song in a musical that I love says “Dying is easy young man, living is harder”.
When God asked me to do the World Race, He asked me to give up a lot of physical comforts. Some emotional ones yes, but mostly physical. I willingly gave up my bed and American food and a normal shower. It was definitely a struggle at first to say yes to that but in all honesty, I wasn’t risking all that much. This would be an adventure, and I love adventure. I’ve always wanted to travel. It’ll be hard sure, but it’ll also be so fun and so rewarding. I still wrestled with God about it a little bit, but in the end it wasn’t too hard to say yes to Him.
But what happens when He asks you to do something that everything in you doesn’t want to do?
When I was at training camp, God asked me to do just that. I thought with committing to the Race that I had already given up everything. I thought I was really taking up my cross and following Him, and I am, but I’m also learning that denying yourself is something you have to battle with and choose over and over again every day, in every season. It’s a process, it’s not a one-and-done, and it’s not always easy. Right now I’m failing miserably at it and all the pride in me wanted to wait to write this blog until after I’ve already overcome this struggle. But, God has asked me to be totally vulnerable and open with you all and let you guys walk this journey with me through this blog, so here goes nothing.
So what happens when God really calls you out? I asked God to start chiseling away anything that is not of Him (if you haven’t seen the Skit guys “God’s Chisel”, go check it out on youtube), and that’s exactly what He did. He’s chiseled away at my need for physical comfort. That made me wince a little, but I could take it. He chiseled away at my pride piece by piece as I gave my testimony for the first time here and then several more times after that. That was tough, but we made it. But now comes the real chiseling, and the real pain.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m a pretty skilled wall-builder. Over the years I’ve learned how to build them and build them well, so nothing can get in to hurt me. I’ve also learned how to throw some paint on there and some pretty decorations so you just might not even notice they’re there. Even I’ve grown so accustomed to them being there that they’re just a part of my heart now and I don’t even really notice… until God starts chiseling away at them.
First, He takes down all my pretty decorations and strips off the paint so I can see just how big and bulky and down-right ugly it is. I say, “God, why are you showing me this? I know it’s there. It’s there for a reason, it keeps me safe.” But then you know what He says? “I know it does, but don’t you trust me to keep you safe too?”
Do I?
That’s the question that’s weighing heavy on my heart right now. Do I trust Him to keep me safe? Do I trust what He says enough to fully go for it, even when everything in me screams not to?
Committing to the race is physically dangerous in a lot of ways. Traveling in foreign countries as a team of young girls, risking disease and sickness. Plenty of people have asked me if I’m nervous or scared, but the truth is I’m not. We’re all going to die at some point, that doesn’t really scare me. I know what’s waiting for me on the other side of death (not that I’m going to die on the race, calm down mom). But living fully as a true disciple of Christ? That’s hard. That requires trust. That requires sacrifice. That requires denying yourself in every way possible, every day. That requires saying yes to the hard things and letting God come fully into your heart and wreck everything you’ve built there.
I’m trying to do that. I’m failing right now because honestly, I flat out don’t want to do what He’s asked. I know that’s not an option. I know I don’t get to pick and choose what I let Him control and what I keep for myself. But right now, I’m staring at a wall. One that I’ve carefully built, brick by brick. One that I’m comfortable with, one that I trust. He wants to tear it down and I don’t want to let Him because I don’t know what’s going to come on the other side. Behind that wall are feelings that I’ve never wanted to face. Feelings of hurt and pain that I don’t want to look at or discuss, I just want to leave them there all boxed up and pretty and never think about them again. I know that there is freedom in letting Jesus pull them out and walk me through them, but there is also risk in that. He has asked me to let Him do some demolition on my precious wall, to pull out those feelings I’ve hidden and locked away so well, to look at them and live with them in the truth of what they are and where they’ve come from, and I know that He’s asking me to let them go.
But in that comes risk. If I pull them out and look at them, that means I have to deal with them. That means I have to act on them. That means I have to confront them head on and let forgiveness and freedom reign instead of fear and pain and that’s going to hurt and it’s going to be messy. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like pain or mess or confrontation and my pride does not like the idea of just letting them go. My immediate response? Hit the breaks and sprint in the other direction. That’s been my response since He asked me to do it. I remember thinking, as soon as He started laying it on my heart, “God, no. I can’t do this. I don’t want to.” And I don’t. Letting it out in the open and letting not only God but others inside gives opportunity for more pain and more hurt and I would much rather leave it the way it is and not deal with it.
But, like I said in my training camp blog, God loves me right where I am but He loves me way too much to leave me where I am. I know that He’s calling me into a deeper obedience because He wants me to walk in deeper freedom. I know that I can trust Him. I know in my heart that He will keep me safe, all I have to do is be obedient and He will do the rest. If He wants me to lay it all out in the open, it’s because He wants to use it to change lives, my own as well as others. I want to say yes in the hard things and let Him totally reign in my life and I know that I will eventually, but I’m really struggling to find the strength and confidence to do that right now.
But you know what’s cool about God? He understands my heart. He understands my struggle and how hard it is for me to do what He’s asked of me. He’s calling me into deeper obedience but He’s also walking this hard road with me. In this season where I’ve found it hard to get into scripture because frankly I don’t want to face the truth, He used a musical to speak to me. Don’t tell me God doesn’t chase after you because boy does He. You can try to ignore it, but He won’t stop pursuing you. I am so in awe of Him.
Y’all, please pray for me in this season. Pray for strength and courage and faith to step out when it’s really hard and I really don’t want to. If you have advice or encouragement, please give it. If you’re going through something similar or have in the past, please reach out and we can pray and walk through this together. I’m committed to doing the hard things with God because He did the hardest thing of all for me, but this one is going to take some real faith. This one puts the deepest parts of me in the line of fire and my flesh is not a fan of that, but I know He will be faithful.
Even in this hard season, I am thankful for the beautiful way that He’s totally changing my life. If you’re apprehensive about letting Him take over, know that I am praying for you and please talk to me! I am too, every day, but let’s walk through it together.
Thank y’all for walking this walk with me. I’m totally terrified, but if God is changing me and changing my life so much already I can’t even begin to imagine what crazy amount of love and freedom He is going to bring in this next season. Thank y’all for going on this wild ride with me! 3 more weeks !!!!!
Love,
Alley
