“Love like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath, the weight of His wind and mercy”
“There’s no place I would rather be
Than here in your love, here in your love
I want more of you God,
I want more of you God”
Two songs that the Lord used to speak to my heart this week.
Knowing the Father, knowing His love, sounds sweet. The reckless love of God, He left the 99 for me, He meets me where I am, nothing and no one is too broken or dirty for Him. Steadfast love, redemption, grace, all these pretty church words sound so romantic. And they are and they’re so true. But I think we romanticize this idea that Jesus meets us where we are and loves us where we are and that’s it, that’s the end. I’m broken but He loves me in spite of my brokenness, isn’t that the best part of the story?
I think for a while I believed it was. I finally understood grace, awesome. Jesus loves me where I am, great. Man it’s good to be loved even in my mess. But you know what’s even better? He loves us so much and so powerfully and overwhelmingly that He refuses to leave us in our messy and broken state.
Living in the fullness of the love of God is beautiful, it’s so beautiful, but it’s also counter cultural. It’s ripping away our flesh. It’s waking up every day and saying “I want whatever you want”. It’s a total change in perspective, a change in thought, and a change in life. Some days it’s hard, actually most days it’s hard, because we’ve lived for however many years of our life entirely submersed in one culture that teaches us one way to live and then Jesus comes and says “Deny everything and follow me”.
For 19 years it’s been my culture to fend for myself. It’s survival of the fittest, best one wins, early bird gets the worm.
For 19 years it’s been my culture to look out for number 1 first. I wake up, go over my mental list of what I need to do that day, figure out the most efficient way to get done what I need to get done, and then do it without a second thought.
For 19 years it‘s been my culture to analyze my surrounding situation and then figure out how to control and manipulate it to meet my needs.
For 19 years I’ve lived in the culture of the world which tells me to do everything in my power to push myself ahead, do what I need to do to succeed, it’s me against the world, protect your own, build a resume, basically live life according to me. If I don’t look out for myself, who will?
And then Jesus. What a guy.
Sometimes I say that sarcastically and think why in the world couldn’t He just leave me alone and let me stay the way I am? Why can’t it just be “I love you the way you are” and that be all? Some people say ignorance is bliss and sometimes I’m tempted to think that that’s true.
But Jesus.
I love the picture that the song paints when it says “Love like a hurricane, I am a tree” because I always think of that song as so beautiful and blissful and just a picture of the Lord’s love for me and just His kindness and grace. And then I picture a real hurricane hitting a real tree. And what do hurricanes bring? Destruction.
Ouch. That one hurt.
And it does sometimes. Honestly it does hurt. I wince every time I take a step closer to the Lord because every step comes with stripping away another layer of myself, of my fleshly body that I’ve lived in for so long. Every step comes with more destruction, more uprooting of who I was before Jesus. And that’s painful.
It looks like the Lord saying, “Alley, I know you’re praying for this thing, but it’s not going to happen because I know that you don’t really trust me and you’re going to have to believe that I’m still Lord and I still can do it even when I don’t.”
It looks like the Lord saying, “Alley, I want you to stop wearing your watch because you depend too much on being able to always know what time it is and plan for the next thing so that you can always be in control of what’s going on”
It looks like the Lord saying, “Alley, you’re going to live at home next year because you depend too much on your ability to be independent.”
It looks like the Lord saying, “Alley, you’ve lived too long in a state of isolation with the label of being independent because the truth is, you’re afraid of dependency and you’re going to step out of your comfort zone and learn to depend on me to provide for you.”
It looks like the Lord saying, “Alley, you’re going to fast for these people because you need to learn to have a heart for people and sacrifice yourself for the well-being of others.”
It looks like the Lord saying, “Alley, I know you’re pissed and you don’t want to forgive this person but I already made you a new creation and you don’t get to choose to sit in anger and bitterness, I’m the King of your heart now, not you.”
Yep, that Jesus. What a guy.
It looks like laying down pride and self-righteous anger and control and self-preservation and entitlement and every feeling and every action and every thought that was a part of my culture when I was living life for myself. It looks like losing every part of me just to get a closer glimpse of Him. It looks like “counting everything as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ”.
And yes, it’s painful. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever done every time He asks me to give up some part of myself that’s been part of my identity and my survival instinct for the last 19 years. Every. Single. Time. I say “Are you serious? I cant do that, please just leave me alone, I’m fine the way I am.” But thanks God that He loves me way too much to just leave me alone.
His love is a hurricane. It brings destruction on everything that is of my flesh. It hurts, but it also brings freedom.
There is glorious freedom that comes with giving up yourself and saying “God, I just want you. If I die today but gain you, it’s all worth it.”
There is freedom in giving up control and letting the creator of the universe and the great choreographer of every moment of life have the control instead.
There is freedom and redemption in giving up the culture of this world that tells you if you don’t look out for yourself no one else will and trading it in for kingdom culture as a citizen of Heaven that changes that to you’re already provided for and protected, now go introduce others to the best Provider and Protector.
True love brings destruction, but it also brings life. Real, free, abundant life.
Thanks Papa that I get to choose every day to press into your love, even as it uproots more of me. Thank you that as much as it hurts and as scary as it is to lay down my flesh, the abundant and free life that it brings is so worth it. Thank you that I’m totally freed from having to worry about providing for and protecting myself because I can trust you to provide for and protect me way better than I ever could. Thank you that because I don’t have to always worry about protecting myself, I’m free to love people and love them deeply without hesitation. Thank you that I get to wake up every day and ask you what you want and who’s on your heart instead of having to have a plan myself. Thank you that I get to ask you every day what other worldly security I can lay at your feet to dive deeper into true freedom and true security that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. Thank you for taking away all the pressure and giving me instead your easy yoke and your light burden. Thank you for loving me where I am, but loving me too much to leave me where I am.
His love is a hurricane and I am a tree, but there’s no place I would rather be than here in His love.
