Last month was hard for me. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been away from the comforts of America for so long; maybe it’s the fact that I miss my family; maybe I was just exhausted from traveling for 8 months straight… I don’t know. Maybe it’s a combination of all these things. But last month was rough. I came to a point about half way through the month where I was DONE. I was tired, my body was telling me I needed rest, I hadn’t been having personal time or quiet time with Jesus. I put so much pressure on myself to please our ministry host that I ran myself dry. In failed in team leading because I was so empty myself that I couldn’t lead my team well.
There was a point when I decided to stay back from ministry for the afternoon, and I cried out to God for strength. I had a lot on my mind as I was team leading, giving as much as I could out of my own strength for ministry, and thinking about team changes coming up. I worried about team changes a lot, and I told God exactly what I wanted in my last team for the final 3 months of the Race. I specifically told Him I did not want to team lead any more.
During our last week in Cambodia, my team and I did listening prayer for each other. I ended up drawing my own name, and I heard God saying that a season of refreshing is coming. I saw myself standing in a dry rice field like the ones in Cambodia, and the sky turned dark. Rain poured down, and green growth began to rise all around me. God said He was bringing refreshment, joy, and redemption in the next season of the Race.
And He has answered that promise since being in Vietnam! Even in crossing the border from Cambodia to Vietnam, I noticed that the rice fields are green and lush here. Within the first few days, I felt so much more joy and peace. Team changes happened at the beginning of this month, and I decided to continue team leading because God told me to. My new team has brought so much joy, laughter, and refreshment! God knew exactly what He was doing; why did I ever worry about wanting the perfect team and my own selfish desires, when God knew what was best for me all along?
As I’ve had time to process and think, these are some things I’ve learned through the changes this past month and through team leading.
1. God keeps His word and His promises; He takes us through hard seasons, but He always brings us out and gives us rest and joy.
2. Time with Jesus is the most important thing. Above everything else, I have to make time every single day to pray and read my Bible.
3. It is not my job to please people or make them happy. I am here to serve my team and serve our ministry hosts, but ultimately I answer to the Lord, not people (Colossians 3:23).
4. I can only pour out in ministry and to my team as much as I am filled up from the Lord.
5. My identity is not found in being a team leader, a World Racer, a missionary, or a teammate – my identity is as a child of God.
As I spend time with God everyday, He is showing me the truth that my identity is ultimately in Him. Everyday I have to remind myself that I am Allana, Daughter of God. Whether or not I fail or succeed in ministry, in team leading, in friendships, God still loves me, and that’s all that really matters in the end.
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! -1 John 3:1
