To preface this blog I would like to assure you that the leaking I am about to talk about is not the result of being sick, that is a much worse kind of leaking that I actually experienced last year in Honduras…thank
God this is different.
This month we have had the unique opportunity for our entire squad to be together at the same ministry contact in Honduras. This is something that my squad (S Squad) never got to experience. Coming into this month we knew that having our squad together could be the best or worst thing for us, so we made it a point to hit the ground running with our ministry here and with the vision we have for the squad.
Before I started this leadership role so many people told me that the best way to see happen what I knew God wanted to do in my squad was to do it myself as an example. This has been so true and so exhausting at the same time. This last week I finally hit a point in my walk with God that I have been praying to hit for awhile. It’s the point where I give everything my best effort and then throw up my hands and say “alright God, that was my best and it’s not getting me where I want to go!”
Now I have known that I can’t do things on my own strength for awhile and I don’t think that I was doing otherwise, but this last week I just hit a wall. It didn’t really matter anymore if other people thought that I was leading well, that I was pushing people hard enough, or that I was spending enough time in prayer. What mattered was that I needed more and my squad needed to go further and I had exhausted all rational ways to do that. My ears were no longer sensitive enough to listen to God’s voice, my eyes were no longer sharp enough to see what God wanted to do, and my English words were no longer meaningful enough to speak what I wanted to tell God. I was broken and desperate for God to take over and open up new doors, while at the same time I was so thankful that I had finally gotten to that point.
As a result God began to speak to me in ways that he never had before, and he gave me vision for the Squad that was so needed. As an extra bonus he even gave me a place to go where he speaks to me. I like to call it Allan’s house of prayer (AHOP). The picture is up to the right, it’s an old abandoned shed that’s in the field behind our ministry property. No one bothers me out there and God placed some beautiful mountains to be in view. Here God just seems to open the flood gates.
There are different seasons of hearing God’s voice. Sometimes it’s like dripping water and I savor every drop, other times it’s like a fire hose and I’m just trying to keep up. This season is even still different. The only way I can explain it is it has been like that giant bucket at water parks that fills up every 15 minutes or so and then just tips over and nearly knock s the kids to the ground
. Any effort to keep up has been futile so I’ve just let it dominate me.
I spent a lot of last week just trying to figure out how I could get what God showed me from my heart to my mouth to the ears others. Much time was spent just sitting thinking about what God wanted to do in me and my squad and I would just start to cry when I though long enough. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t over joyfed I was just leaking. My feelings inside had nowhere else to go so they leaked out my eyes. Finally last Sunday God gave me grace to get up, gird my loins, and try to share with the squad what he had been speaking to me. I still think I was just leaking on them, but they didn’t seem to mind in fact I think some started to leak too!
It is such a great time to be on E Squad and it would take another blog to share the vision God has given us if I could even manage to type it out…actually that’s what I’m going to do. Decision just made. This just became a part one!
It has amazed me that the further I go the more impossible things become and what I once thought would satisfy me in my relationship with God only increases my appetite for the promise of things hoped for. I never knew, however, just how impossible this was going to be…
Was that enough of a teaser?
