This race, I have had a really difficult time putting words to my experiences. How do you describe on paper the love you feel when a child calls you “mama”? And the following heartbreak of having to leave seven days later… This was a real thing I had to walk through. Since starting the race, I have had very challenging goodbyes. It is a blessing, by all means, but I certainly doesn’t make things simple. I never realized how attached I would get to all the people around me, especially only being in a country for 3 weeks. Nothing would have ever been able to prepare me for these heartbreaks. Knowing that I have left pieces of my heart with kids all over the world is overwhelming and almost paralyzing at times. I’ve actually prayed against creating connections with ministries and relationships with those around me because I wasn’t sure if the heartbreak was worth it anymore. At times, this feeling has been so strong, I’ve actually been ready to call it quits, leave the race and go home. I know how awful that sounds but it was my reality.
The World Race is a whirlwind of emotions, I have moments of pure joy and then others that look a lot like mental breakdowns. I typically prefer to think out situations, feelings, emotions, etc. with logic, reason and statistics. This skill set has made me successful in both academics and athletics. This trained portion of my brain has always allowed me to be in control of my emotions and calculate the appropriate response to any given situation. But my mind has been struggling to understand my heart these last few months. No matter how much thought I put into the way I feel, I can’t understand how I am supposed to respond. Because of this, I have been solely reliant on the Lord to tell me when & how to process. He is showing me how to grieve these relationships, how to move forward with the race, and how to honor these relationships by the way I live my life. A part of this process for me, is letting you in on the incredible stories of the most joyful, resilient, hopeful, souls I have ever encountered. These relationships have impacted me so deeply, I can only hope that through sharing their stories you also catch a glimpse of God’s glory in each one of their lives.
Without further ado — let me introduce you to Moises.
A story very near and dear to my heart.
Moises is a 9 year old, deaf boy who is a member of the Ngäbe-Buglé tribe in Panama. His size resembles that of a 6 year old (due to malnutrition as an infant) but his size has never held him back, nor has his lack of hearing. He is affected by a hereditary skin condition that leaves him covered in scrapes and wounds, but this also doesn’t slow him down. Moises reminds me of David — He stands with courage in the face of many giants, expectant that God will bring him victory. He is armed with joy and laughter, and knows that each day brings something new and exciting. I was blessed with the opportunity to be with Moises at least three days a week, and in those times we laughed, played games, learned sign language, played jokes on Heather (our host in Panama), and many other adventures. Moises is not only exceptional because of his resilience, but also his intentionality to make sure that those around him feel included. One of his favorite things to do is to teach others his favorite ASL sign of the day.
The first day I met Moises, he embraced me and gave me a sign name. He wanted to show me everything around his school and was especially proud of his photography skills. He wasn’t quite sure if I was a different racer that he had met before, and kept asking Heather (our host & his teacher) if this other racer was coming back. Immediately I wanted to withdraw, I didn’t want him to form a relationship with me when I was leaving in just a few short weeks. I didn’t want him to ask about me after I left. But Heather assured me that he had many healthy attachments in the community, and the more people that know his language (ASL) the better it is for him. Initially, I was very hesitant to invest into another relationship that I knew I was going to have to walk away from but this worry always faded away at the first sign of him running at me with arms wide open. So we created a beautiful friendship and he was the highlight of every single day for me.
The amount I learned from just watching Moises was incredible but one particular thing has really stuck with me. He showed me that it is okay to love someone deeply without regard to how long they were going to stay. His love was unconditional. It wasn’t because he needed or wanted something from me, because I had nothing to offer. He lived as if he was solely created to love, and to love wholeheartedly. It was the kind of love that is a pure reflection of the way God loves us and he did it so easily. In my life, I have always placed limitations on my love, calculated the risks, the possible hurts, and carried all the heartbreak from before into new relationships. But Moises showed me that to love like Christ loves us, we can’t expect that the next person to walk into our life might leave us or hurt us. We can and should open our arms, like a child, at every opportunity to deeply love the people right in front of us.
My last night with Moises, I had to tell him that I was flying on a plane to my home, far away. He shook his head “no”. He asked Heather if I was flying with all the other racers that had befriended him before me, and listed them all off by name. She nodded yes and he just looked back at me and told me that I couldn’t leave, but that I could stay and live with him! When I told him I couldn’t, he told me that if I can’t stay then he would come with me. It was everything I could do to hold myself together these last few moments together. I proceeded to hug him, give him a photo of us together, a bag of spaghetti (his new favorite sign) and wave as we were driving off. Everything about this ending felt cruel. I was leaving another relationship, another best friend, with no plans of returning in the near future. I didn’t want to bring him any pain and I certainly didn’t want to ever have to see him upset. I couldn’t process it. All my logic and reason couldn’t understand why God would keep putting these relationships in my life.
I didn’t understand why I could love Moises so much but wish that he wouldn’t remember me, wish that we hadn’t been as close. It wasn’t until I opened up to my team on what I was going through that God really showed me His purpose… What He said through one of my teammates that really struck me was — “he remembered all the other racers before you and he still chose to open up and love you the exact same way.”
The fear, the pain, and the hurts, that I was projecting onto Moises weren’t actually his, they were mine. He was upset, yes, but every time new racers walk into his life he chose to love them with the same intensity that he loved me. I didn’t actually want Moises to forget me, and I don’t regret a single moment we spent together. Deep down, I was scared that I was going to hurt Moises, and that I was going to make him more like me — afraid to love wholeheartedly. But instead, he taught me how to be like him. How to have enough room in your heart to love the people right in front of you and all those that have come before. This is not an easy task, and I’m sure many of you have struggled with this same thing but Moises showed me a different way to live… a better way to live. And I am going to choose to live a life that honors Moises, his story and his ability to love like Christ. My prayer is that his story encourages you to do the same.
All my love,
Alivya
