When is weakness okay to expose to others, when God is to be my strength? How often do I humble myself and obey when the response I expect isn’t there? Is it worth the risk to really be vulnerable to others when I don’t fully trust them? Am I willing to trust God when he says that if I want someone in my life to influence me that I am to instead BE that person for someone else?
These are just some of the questions I have been wrestling with over the last few weeks, yet not fully understanding, or willing to yet accept the answers that I’m given from the Lord.
When is weakness okay to expose? I don’t know exactly. As I have come out of Mozambique and the spiritual high I experience there (because I experienced God), I am being more attacked by the enemy, and ugly things are showing up in my life. However, I also prayed the prayer that asked God to make me more like his son, and to rid me of the things that are not like him. Part of that process is revealing that stuff to me. I have become very aware of my attitudes and heart conditions that are unlike him. It’s a hard battle, and God is supposed to be my strength. I do walk in His strength sometimes, and deal with these things on my own, but I wrestle with when I go to others and ask them to help me through. I know the problem and I know I have to make a choice of obedience to change it, and that God is my strength, but sometimes I am too weak. I cannot even really be afraid of intentionally exposing these weak places to my teammates, because they are seeing me live them out each day! Ha! They already know my ugliness! (They also know my strengths, which is encouraging! 🙂 )
How often do I humble myself? FOREVER! I am finding out that when God says humble myself, ask forgiveness, be obedient, whatever it looks like, it has only to do with me, and not anyone else. If they don’t respond the way I would like, then it gives me a chance to be more humble and extend grace. I admit I have been frustrated by this, because when I get the right response, it makes being obedient and humble easier, because in their acknowledgement I am ‘honored’ for being humble. That thought and revelation right there exposes a heart attitude that isn’t right. But I am learning. Keep being humble, keep being obedient and God honors me in his way, in his time. And ultimately, when my heart is right, others will see Jesus in me and respond the way He asks them to respond. For me, this is a lesson on grace, humility and obedience!
Is it worth the risk to be vulnerable when I don’t trust? I can answer this from my head, my knowledge, but it hasn’t yet become reality in my actions and heart. It IS worth the risk, because I trust Jesus. I trust the Jesus in them. I trust that He will be there if and when others are not. My vulnerability will cause and intimacy with my team that can’t be accomplished any other way, but it will be painful at times. The truth is, the fear that I can’t trust them is not even really a valid fear, though I know that this issue goes far beyond my WR teammates. I will face others in my life who will ridicule me, judge me and see me in a worse light when I become vulnerable. But it is still worth the risk. Relationships are based on vulnerability, and if I’m not willing to do that, than I am not willing to really invest in relationships – something I like to pride myself in. Hmmm…
This last one has been huge since Mozambique – well, even before then. I have wanted, prayed for and looked for people to invest in my life, disciple me and pour into me what they have learned. However, every time I start asking the Lord for this, the one thing he continually tells me is to instead BE that person for someone else. Am I willing to take a step of faith and speak life into someone else when I don’t feel I am getting it from another person? The real question is whether or not I trust the Holy Spirit to be my life. Do I trust that as I pour out my life to others that the Spirit of God Himself will fill me completely, with or without it coming through another person? I am learning! It’s an incredible journey, and I’m loving it. Why, really, (except that it’s human nature!) would I want a person to teach me when the Holy Spirit desires to teach me himself? Ha! I love it!
My Father is so amazingly faithful to me. When I wrestle through things I know the truth about, he speaks gently to me and challenges me to simply be obedient. Just trust Him and obey what He says. There is no greater journey, even though I know the sacrifices will be great, and hard. OBEDIENCE is the manifestation of COURAGE. I desire courage and believe that God is filling me more and more. But it is indeed showing itself through obedience.
