I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to say about the last 4 weeks in the Dominican Republic but I’ve been struggling to find the words. I want this to be a place of truth and honesty even if it is hard to admit. Vulnerability is something I am working on stepping into in this season but, honestly, I hate it. I’m realizing at some point in my life (I’m sure it’s been a process over many years), I have convinced myself that building up walls and not sharing all of myself with those around me made me strong because it took away the opportunity to be hurt by others (if you’re not letting others in they can’t hurt you–or so I believed), and in my mind I’ve associated being hurt as being weak. This is an area where I’ve been asking the Lord to speak truth into. He has been faithful in doing so, but changing those ways of thinking is a process and will take time. I’m practicing giving myself grace during this process and will continue asking God to refine this area.
When I asked the Lord for truth this is what He told me:
My daughter, you are beautiful and strong and worthy. In your brokenness and vulnerability, I see strength. My love for you is unchanging in the midst of your uncertainty.I pleaded for more and He said:
Don’t take away the opportunity for others to speak Truth and Love into you by only sharing parts of yourself.My inability to share myself affects others around me. I’m taking away opportunities to grow in community and intimacy with one another. That one hit me hard.
My prayer:
God thank you for pursuing me, for desiring to reveal yourself, in full, to your broken children. Thank you for you abounding grace in that pursuit. Thank you that my daily failings don’t change the sacrifice you made. Thank you that your pursuit of my heart means breaking down walls, lighting up darkness and tearing down lies that present themselves as truths.
SO this has been what the Lord has been working on in my life. That’s what I mean when I say this month has been hard. Growth isn’t always fun and isn’t always pretty but it is so so worth the struggle. It’s part of refinement, it’s part of surrender, it’s part of abandonment. I do have to say that this month was also joyful. I laughed. Every. Single. Day. I got chased by a cow (multiple times), I ate lots of mangos & avocados, I snorkeled in the Caribbean, I had mountains to wake up to every day. I’m so thankful. I don’t want you to read this blog post and feel anything but that. I’m thankful for a season of growth, i’m thankful for joys that come in all shapes and sizes.
you are free to take your time, day by day knowing in your heart this will not change: you are loved you are seen and there is grace to walk through these things Morgan Harper Nichols
