Last month while in Haiti my team suffered with a lot of different health issues. I had a cold that turned into a cough that lingered for a while. I would start to say something but end up coughing. As a result, I ended up not trying to engage with my teammates and other people because I was just going to start coughing anyway…..
I felt disconnected from my team and felt that I didn’t fit in. I turned inward, as I tend to do, instead of reaching out.
At some point toward the end of the month, at one of our team meetings, I shared how I had been feeling. I wasn’t the only feeling that way. Then during one of our bible studies, my one teammate pointed out that all our health issues was likely spiritual attack. We have given up everything to come on this trip. All we have is our health so Satan is going after it. We all feel that we are usually pretty healthy and don’t get sick often.
I am blessed and don’t get sick often. I have only had to call off of work once. I have never had health problems that stopped me from talking before. The last few years, I wondered what I would do if I lost my voice. My job was talking on the phone so I would have to call off but how could I do that if I didn’t have a voice? Even though I thought about that – it never happened. Now that my focus is on serving God, Satan feels the need to attack me. What better thing for him to go after but my voice….
I have always been quiet and soft spoken. I never realized that I was soft spoken until I was in college. I always thought people just didn’t listen to me and that they didn’t care what I was saying – so why should I say anything at all. I hated the fact that I was quiet and that I was different from everybody else. I didn’t know why I was the way I was, but I hated myself. I went off to college and wanted to change who I was. I wanted to be outgoing and I tried. I found that I was more outgoing than I was in high school but I am not an outgoing person and I don’t think that I will ever be. That is not how God created me. I came to an understanding about myself and found that I am not alone. In college and since, I have gotten better with this and have become more comfortable in being me. There are still times that I revert back to my old self and turn inward.
Now, I find myself surrounded by new people and I want to feel free to be myself. Haiti was difficult for me in that regard. I allowed Satan to work his way in and I started questioning and doubting myself. I kept this to myself and struggled with it. Once I spoke with my teammates about it, things were brought to light (for example, how the cough played into it all) and there was freedom. The more we keep things to ourselves the more Satan can get a hold of us.
This past week I kept losing my voice on and off. Coincidence? I think not. This time I did not let it stop me from trying to communicate with people. In our ministry, we have the opportunity to share a message with the homeless we are serving. I felt like God had put a message on my heart to share but I didn’t really want to get up and speak. A few of my teammates had already shared messages and they were looking for someone to share on Saturday. I really did not want to, but knew that I should. In my mind, I was battling whether or not I should tell them that I would do it. I had a good reason not to – I didn’t have a voice, so how could I preach? I felt God say to me, “Do you have faith?” I have been learning that God has given me a voice that I need to use. I cannot continue to let fear rule my life and I know that God can heal. I decided to do it so I spoke up and told my team that I would share on Saturday. I took a step of faith that I would have a voice and be able to share the message. God honored that and I was able to share the message (if you want to watch it, it is posted on Will’s blog).
I still don’t enjoy being in front of people and I was still a little nervous but I am not going to let Satan continue to rule over my life by living in fear. I am learning to discern what is not of God. I am stepping out and I am learning to use the voice that God has given me.
II Timothy 1:7
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”
At the beginning of the month we had our big conference and many of the songs spoke to me. One of the songs that has really encouraged me is I Will Not Be Silent by Jonathan David Helser.
