I had an amazing conversation with God Monday, and since I rarely blog (because I secretly believe I have the writing level of a 4th grader) I thought I would make myself write this down. It is important.
So, the doctor I didn’t want to hear from called Monday confirming my biopsy 2 Fridays ago produced atypical cells that were concerning enough that she wanted me to come to her office for a consultation Wednesday. The nurse reported that the doctor wanted to talk about further procedures, knowing I leave the country in 15 days.
Instead of crying and freaking out on those around me, I went silently to the Lord. He spoke to me in such a direct, simple way, that I wanted to share.
It was very simple…He asked if I trusted Him. I looked straight up to the sky and said “no.” I didn’t feel ashamed; it really felt good to be this honest in a time of high stress. I continued praying and telling Him I trusted him to keep the earth in the sky and get people from work to home safely, but these little cells were escaping his jurisdiction and he was screwing up. I was angry that he had provided almost every single penny I needed for the World Race already and questioned why He would allow a possibility for me not going, or why my launch would be contingent upon a painful procedure. So He asked “who told you you were healed?” And I answered that last Monday when I had a group of people pray for me, they prophesied a full healing and to claim it, which I had done. Then He asked “who told you you were not healed?” And I answered, well a doctor. So He went on in a very loving way telling me “Ok, so an earthly woman said you were healed and another earthly doctor told you you were not. Has healing actually occurred? And in what time frame do you believe it should or will? If I bring you into the consultation and the doctor reveals that the cells are not problematic, did I come through for you? And what if she tells you that you need to have a procedure immediately because it is serious, did I come through for you? Is it YOU, my child, who is changing her mind with inconsistencies, or me? Can I heal you tomorrow, or in 20 years? Is it all healing?”
This conversation with God was probably a turning point in my faith. Never has God interrupted my thoughts so powerfully and directly and talked me through a divine understanding of His intentions. Our conversation went on another 2 hours and I was able to come to the conclusion that God is asking me to practice what I’m about to preach on the field. What if someone comes to me asking prayer for a seizure disorder, and healing doesn’t occur in my presence…is my faith shaken? Or does it mean that God will provide a healing when it is MOST glorifying for Him and it shows the MOST love towards his sons and daughters. Yes, that is the truth. That is the truth.
Well, I went to my appointment yesterday and the news was bad. There are 5 levels of pre-cancerous cells in the cervix, and mine were a level 4. The doctor said it was a dangerous condition to leave in the hanging for 11 months (since I will not be able to receive treatment on the field) and she suggested I have them cauterized immediately. I didn’t have down time to process or a moment to sit in prayer. The next thing I know, I’m having a surgical procedure to treat something I believe will ultimately be healed. And let me tell you, it hurt. Very badly. There was crying and lamenting and equipment that malfunctioned, and unfortunately, the numbing agent didn’t work so I had to be loaded up with more and a 10 minute procedure turned into half an hour. Another blog could actually be written on the procedure itself, as I believe there were demonic things happening in that room that caused machines to be turned off and malfunction and a full blown spiritual attack launched on me.
But I rested last night and am feeling refreshed this morning…and I really am trusting the Lord today. It feels good, it feels real…no dramatic fluffy prayers offered to God…He doesn’t care to hear that. He cares to hear my heart. And my errant heart went to Him on Monday with truth and raw emotion, and it wasn’t received with anger! Just love from a Heavenly Father who knows my heart and is glad I didn’t try to go through this without Him.
I have a follow up visit to the doctor next Wednesday to check my healing and confirm that the results show the borders of the specimen to be clean. I believe they will be! God is showing me great things…and truth be known – I could not have written this last night. I was angry and sore and questioning where God was, but I honestly went to him again and He AGAIN dealt with me sincerely.
