So here’s the deal. I’m broken, like really broken.
I get told that I’m a strong person pretty frequently and I like that. I like being strong. I don’t like being weak, in fact; you could go so far to say that I hate being weak. I don’t like to talk about those shitty emotions inside of me. Lets talk about joy. Lets laugh and have fun but I swear that if one more person asks me how I’m feeling about moving home or about my Mom then I am going to scream!!!
I can’t handle it…this whole being strong thing is getting old. I’ve always been strong. All I feel like doing is crying lately but then I get pissed at myself for wanting to cry because I feel like its a waste. I’m a go-getter. I’m all about action. If somethings wrong then I want to find a resolution as soon as possible. Less talk, more action. Less crying, more doing. My Papa keeps telling me to crawl into His lap and let it all out. Today on the way home from hanging out with some friends I screamed at the top of my lungs in my car and I didn’t feel any better. Like screaming is going to all of a sudden make everything better. I’m not saying that I’m living in some sort of tragedy or that I’m sinking into deep depression. All I’m saying is that I’m broken. I feel like a piece of me will get fixed only for another piece of me to break off. I mean, I think we are all broken in some way. It seems like the more I pretend not to be broken, the more broken I really am.
If this was a movie and by this I mean my life. Does anyone else love The Truman show as much as me? Anyways, if my life was a movie then this would be the scene when the main character finally has a great epiphany. Whats my great epiphany, you ask? That I’m not strong and its okay. I mean, I know its okay but it still makes me want to puke thinking about the fact that I’m not strong. Its pride, I know. And yes, I do realize how ironic it is that I am telling all of this to my computer screen instead of a human being but I mean all you gals and guys out in the cyber world can read this. Gimme a break, I’m taking baby steps. So all this to say…its okay to be broken. I’m starting to be okay with that because there’s a hell of a lot of beauty in the brokenness.
“We can all pretend to be righteous or we can admit that we are broken and walk through brokenness together.”-No clue where I heard this.
