It happened. I figured it would happen.
I left my life as I knew it
I put my heart on the line
and it got ruined.
Ruined for love as I've always known.
It happened in India last month.
I heard we were going to be working with orphans
and James 1:27 says
True religion = Loving and caring for orphans.
but, this last month I actually physically and emotionally did.
I lived it, everyday.
I held, I laughed, I loved.
I cried, and I left.
It's harder to write blogs during and about the race/my life than I thought. It's not the same as getting to know these people and children in person and I want to show everyone the whole situation but, I can't. It's hard to be vulnerable because it's so personal and I don't want to sound like I'm romanticizing our ministry – it was incredibly difficult on certain days but, I wouldn't have changed a thing.
Along with Glory and many other children, Nagesh (American name "Nolan") worked his way into my arms and heart. Glory loved to help him walk and to hold him so the three of us naturally spent a lot of time together. I got into a routine of spending time with each of them individually and then together. My team and I called the three of us my little family. Emotionally healthy? I'm not too sure still, haha. God and I have talked about it a lot. One day I was holding Nagesh and talking to him about his life. I asked why he wanted to be held so much? He doesn't speak but I got the overwhelming feeling like he wanted to be cared for like a mom would care for her son. To be held. Protected. Fought for. I'm so grateful for what SCH does for these children but, it doesn't replace a family. Parents. Tears streamed down my cheeks and onto Nagesh's sweet head but he just gave me a look that said, “I don't mind.”
I'm fighting going on a rant/speal about adoption and fostercare right now. From where I'm sitting it's easy to see how the church in America should be absolutely FIGHTING for abandoned children. To bring them into families, to show them God's love, and to support the ministries and individuals that are supporting them.
As the end of our time in India came I began to question how I was going to walk away. It's the age-old WR struggle. You get invested and attached, you build the relationships, and then you give them to God and journey on. My team decided to have a “releasing” night (on the Thursday night before we told them goodbye) where we took time to ask God how to let them go. Some of us wrote letters, some poured out prayers, some journaled. I was writing out a prayer and listening to my ipod and Pilgrim Days by Will Reagan was playing so I put it on repeat and closed my eyes and I envisioned Glory and Nagesh holding hands and WALKING in a field of small white flowers towards a huge, gold throne. I teared up and I wrote in my journal, “They're walking their own paths their own way right now, with hands held high. This world can't contain them. They have joy, love, security, a spirit of belonging, structure, hugs, family, strength and life in You, Lord. Thank you for letting me be a part of their paths. Their lives. Their journeys…” I tried to keep that in mind when I went to Victory Friday morning for the last time.
I prayed with, hugged tightly and loved on each of the children I've connected with. Glory, Nagesh and I just sat together, contentedly, for a long time. I asked Glory to take care of him and then I took these precious pictures of them sitting on the bench with her arm around him. And of the three of our hands together. Nagesh cried when I left his room… I don't think I'll ever forget his little head hanging down and the sound of his crying. I don't think he had any clue that I was leaving leaving he was just upset I didn't take him back outside with me. I think Glory seemed to understand and for the first time she really attempted to sign “I love you” back to me when I was leaving – usually she just grinned at me. 🙂
So, yes. It happened. I'm ruined for love as I've always known. I believe God let me experience a small portion of what a mother feels toward a child and because of that my heart has been stretched, beaten, and grown but I know I can handle it.
You can read more about Nagesh and sponsor him financially at www.schindia.com/children/nolan
Mom and dad, thank you for praying for me and for raising me to know God's love as a father. You've always supported me and you've done an excellent job of “releasing” me. I appreciate and love you!
Thank you again to everyone who has supported me this year. This is the type of “brokenness” I asked for and I still need your prayers. I'm currently in a small village (Haripur) in the southern part of Nepal where my team and I do evangelism and prayer ministry with our Pastor/“Uncle”/Host in the small villages around us.
