I'm sitting here in a coffee shop in Phnom Penh trying to decide how to write the blog that's been brewing in my heart for a month. I heard "Head full of doubt/Road full of promise" by chance on my IPOD during "ask the Lord" prayer time this morning. Let me go back a month and paint my picture.
It's the middle of June, 2013 and my team is staying in our contact's home village, Mae Ai, about 3 hours north of Chiang Mai. Only .2% of people in the Northern part of Thailand are Christians. Emmi sends teams there (as the X-life part of her Lighthouseinaction.org ministry) to live and do life alongside of the people in this small community. We were hopeful that our presence would bring the light of Christ and help prevent future trafficking – since it's common for families to sell their oldest daughter into sex trafficking in the cities so that they can send financial support back to the family. The 8 of us were staying with host families so we were divided between 3 houses.
One evening I was sitting outside of January and Hannah's home and I realized I could not stop staring at this bird who lives in a cage that hangs by the door. There were so many others birds chirping and singing in the trees and bushes around us but, this little guy just turned anxiously around on his one little perch inside of his small home. Isolated. So close to those around him who were experiencing freedom. No lie: Tears formed in my eyes. Some of my teammates noticed me staring at this poor bird and asked if I was okay. I bit back my pride and said, “No. I'm having an emotional reaction to a bird living in a cage and I have no idea why but, I just can't stop staring at it.” I remember we talked about it for awhile – all the metaphors and possible connections I could have with said bird:
I'm experiencing a different kind of freedom for the first time in my life.
I'm living completely in Christian community and sharing my life with others.
I want everyone to break their chains and fly to Jesus.
The rest of the week passed by filled with laughter, lice checks, language barriers, and love. The bird became a classic, comical conversation starter but, I still spent time staring at him. Asking God to reveal to me why I had such a reaction and what do I do about it. One night I couldn't sleep so I searched my ipod for any song related to birds, flying, caged animals or freedom.
“The bird and the worm” by Owl City? Nope, that doesn't help.
“You gonna fly” by Keith Urban? Definitely not.
“Birds of a feather” by the Civil Wars? Not quite.
“I am set free” by All Sons & Daughters? Closer.
I decided I was “over thinking” it. I've uh been known to do that a time or two in my life. 😉 We left the village to return to the city for the rest of the month and as we were riding in the truck I again was listening to music. But, on shuffle this time. The Avett Brothers “Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise” came on and I got chills.
…If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it…
There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream till I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
I'm confident that there are 80 million interpretations for the song floating around out there in people's heads but for me that day [in my heart] I knew exactly what they meant.
Be who you are. Don't let society, or your culture, tell you who you are and what to do with your daily life. Obey God – who will always love you and never reject you – and GO where He sends you.
For me that means not letting this trip define me. This isn't just 11 months of my life… it's my life.
Passion. Community. Service. I'm not just a world racer for a year. I'm a daughter of Christ whose learning to follow her dreams and the Lord's voice.
It means demanding freedom for people. From sex trafficking. From slavery. From extreme poverty. From the stigma of being a “special needs” child in India. From the pressures of society: whether that's changing your body so you can be a “lady boy” in the red light district of Chiang Mai or whether that means getting a certain degree, holding a specific worthy position, and making a fancy income in a city in the US. You don't have to be in those 3rd world country places to do the things that God lays on your heart. I'm not more righteous because I have had this opportunity to spread my wings and fly a little farther from home. I've now been given the blessing (not burden) of praying for the lost of this world, of advocating for the ministries and people who are living their daily lives in a manner that physically serves others, and living in a way that matches what God's been whispering in my ear all year long: dream beautiful dreams.
So, there's more. This month my team is working on Adventures in Mission's Unsung Heroes initiative. (That means we're networking and trying to find people and ministries that are already serving the Lord throughout the world that we can partner with my sending people to support them.) Someone must really trust the 7 of us to drop us off in Cambodia, with a budget, and tell us to ask the Lord for our ministry and direction on a daily and weekly basis! 🙂 The other day we checked out the DaughtersofCambodia.org visitor's center, boutique, and cafe. This is an amazing ministry and as I wandered through the store my eyes focused on this print on a greeting card.
So maybe I did have an emotional reaction to a bird locked in a cage… and that's okay.
