The other day my roommate *cough*Dani*cough* told me I needed to write a post because she needed something to read while procrastinating from studying.
Your wish is my command.
I’m going to try to be really honest while writing this blog, and share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Right now, I’m going to share the cowardly.
I sent out 50 support letters several weeks ago. That’s not what I’m cowardly about.
I’m cowardly because I haven’t actually checked my support account since sending them out. I said I was going to wait a week, because people need time to receive them, and turn them in, and then be processed. Then I said after Thanksgiving, because people were busy with the holiday. Now here we are, two weeks later, and I’m waiting until after finals because I have “enough on my mind”.
I wish I was one of those people who could just rip a band-aid off. I know waiting to look isn’t going to change what the account says. Just as waiting to read a text isn’t going to change what it says. But I don’t want to know. There is comfort in not knowing. I don’t have to deal with the reality of the situation. As far as I know, I could be fully supported. (Fingers crossed that’s true!). Or, I could have $0. And here I am, living in blissful ignorance.
But it’s something that I know about myself. I’ve always been this way. Comfort in the ignorance. I think that it stems from my doubt, from my skepticism. I don’t want to doubt the Lord, and I do believe that he will provide. But I’m scared that he’s not providing in the way that I want right now. I’m scared that he’s going to make this hard, and scary, and stressful. Which he probably will. I’m scared to deal with the reality of the situation, which is that I’m raising support to spend 11 months away from my family, and friends, and life as I know it. It’s not that I’m not excited to go; I totally am. I just wish that it would happen with minimal effort on my part. I think the joke is going to be on me though.
I know that going on the World Race is going to take faith that can move mountains. And I know that the Lord is going to prepare me for that by building up my faith now. So who knows, maybe I’ll finally man up and look at my account tomorrow, and finally face the reality that is my life.
