I’ve now been back to America for exactly 2 months. And I’ve come to a conclusion.
America is a weird place.
We have whole aisles devoted to Kool-Aid. Why is that even necessary? It’s not normal to wear the same thing every single day. Oops. People get upset when their steaks aren’t cooked right, or if their water cup isn’t constantly full of ice water. (I’m waitressing this summer. Pray for me.)
When I first got home, whenever I would turn on the lights in a room I would scan for bugs scattering. I sometimes get confused which side the driver’s side in a car is. I can walk over to my refrigerator and get cold, clean water any time that I want. It’s weird.
And I’ve thought about writing this blog countless times. But at first, I had nothing positive to say about being back. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. I’ve felt isolated. I’ve felt angry. I’ve felt forgotten. I wasn’t listening to what the Lord was trying to teach me during this time because I just felt mad at him.
But in being home, I realized something. I’m always in between. The Race was in between undergrad and grad school. This summer is in between the Race and grad school. Grad school is in between being a student and being a real person with a real job.
I never arrive where I’m going. I’m always in between.
And I’ve realized that’s really frustrating. While I think it’s good and important and necessary to have goals, I think that we can get overwhelmed and over-focused on them. When will I ever arrive?
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps
Proverbs 16:9
I can plan and plan and plan, but I won’t get there until the Lord plans me to. And I know that He works everything for my good. So why can’t I ever be satisfied where I am?
When people ask me what I’m doing post-Race, I tell them that I’m living at home until starting grad school in the fall. And I always make sure to mention grad school, because being 23 and living at home feels like failure to me. I’m not satisfied where I’m at. But it is where I’m at. And there’s nothing wrong with that. The Lord planned for me to live in Peshtigo when I got home. He has me here for a reason. And it’s not just to waste time until moving to New York.
And so I guess this is all to say is that since getting home, I’m trying to learn to live in the now. In the moment. Not just individual moments, but extended moments. To live in the season. Not to be always looking forward to what’s going to happen next, but to look around and see what’s happening now. And it’s been hard. And right now I would say that the failures outweigh the successes. But I’m learning. Learning to not be in-between, and to just be in.
