I’m officially a month away from the eve of leaving America for 11 months.
The craziness of this reality is beginning to set in, and the panic is beginning to build. The doubts creep in, the comforts seem to be beckoning. 11 months is quite a long time.
On top of all that, I’m an avoid-er. In my head, if I don’t confront something, it doesn’t exist. If I don’t say goodbye to someone, it means I’m not leaving. If I don’t face it, eventually it will go away.
Unfortunately, my coping methods are going to fail me in this case. Whether I like it or not, (that’s not completely true), I’ll be hopping on a plane to Nepal a month from tomorrow. If I cursed, I’m pretty sure a string of curse words would be flying out of my mouth right about now. That’s my reality. After all the planning and preparations, it somehow still doesn’t seem real.
It’s a weird place to be in, right now. I’m in limbo between two major events in my life, seemingly sitting and waiting for the next to come. My mind prior to training camp was full of finals and papers and packing. And now it sits and waits. Nothing I do can make launch come faster, and, scarily enough, nothing I do can make it come slower, either.
At times I’m filled with immense excitement, at other times extreme terror, but a lot of times, I just am. The World Race sounds like this grand adventure to go on, which it is, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like some radical, out of this world event to me. It’s a thing that’s happening. Some people go to grad school. Some people get jobs. Some people go to 11 countries over 11 months.
It’s true that I’m going to be spending the majority of my 22nd year of life away from everything that I’ve ever known. But I’ve never been more at peace with a decision about my future. I think that that’s what is making this limbo time so difficult. To others, I’m about to do something unheard of, but to me, I’m just living the life the Lord called me to.
I don’t want it to be a big deal that I’m leaving. I know that it is. But I don’t want it to be. I don’t want drawn out goodbyes. I want “see-ya-later’s”. Or “K bye’s”. But I know that a lot of these things have to do with my avoidance. It hurts to think about the fact that I won’t be seeing the most important people in my life for a whole year. I know that I’ll be so ridiculously homesick, longing for nothing more than a marshmallow at times. But that is my reality.
They talked a lot at Training Camp about not wasting this time in between. I wish they would have explained that more, because I’m not sure what that means. What does wasted time mean? Reading books? Hanging out with friends? Working on support? Going fishing? Being in limbo? What is wasted?
It’s a difficult place to be in- seeing your past behind you, but not yet being at your future. But, in one month and one day, the World Race will be here, and I’ll be on my way to Nepal. That’s the crazy thing about life- it tends to keep happening whether you’re ready or not.
