Let me start off positive: God has blessed me a TON in fundraising. In just a couple of months, I have $13,222 out of the $15,500 total I need for the Race. WOW! God has been so good to me. I went through a couple of short phases of doubt and worry, but overall I have trusted him for the money and he has shown up, big time. I believe I have been pretty generous in my giving over the past year, and God says that when we are generous, he is generous to us. "For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38). Praise God for his provision and for giving me even more confidence that I'm supposed to be going on the Race. I'm confident that only with God could I have raised this much this fast, especially when several of my donors, including the biggest one, haven't even met me.
With that said, I'm about to get real with you. I thought about not posting how I'm feeling, mostly because I feel like I need to look like a super-Christian to be going on this trip. I also feel like I'm going to let my donors down if I'm not a perfect Christian. Why would people feel good about their donations to me when I'm such a mess half the time?
But, I need to start being open because I know that God is going to do huge things in the next year and I want to be comfortable sharing everything. So, I'll start with sharing the spiritual struggle I've been having lately.
Here's what I just wrote in my journal to God:
I absolutely hate this. Why don't I want to talk to you lately? I feel absolutely lost and so distant from you. I still trust you with my whole heart, and I know you love me and have a great plan for my life. I believe that nothing in this world could give me the joy and peace that I find in You. I surrender to You and I want You to take my life and do with it what you please. I want to make myself nothing to make your name known. I want to do whatever you ask me.
My faith and trust in You have not changed. So why do I have no desire to talk to You right now? Why is it a struggle to even get my mind to stay on You long enough to formulate a thought about You?
I want to get past this, but how can I if I won't come to You? How am I possibly going to go and make a difference for You when my relationship with You feels so out of whack?
I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy of Your love. I'm not worthy of Your sacrifice for me. How could you put your perfect son on the cross for someone like me? How could you call me to the mission field when I'm such a sucky Christian?
But Lord, I know you don't see me this way. Why am I so hard on myself? Please turn my eyes to You. Please utterly break me or do whatever you need to do to get me back on track with you.
Please get me out of this funk.
Help me believe and act on your Word when you say, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30)
Okay, so hopefully that wasn't too depressing. Sorry. I just wanted to write something and I'm not willing to pretend everything's perfect if it's not. But, at least I can dismiss the myth that it takes some sort of super-Christian to do missions. God tends to use the ordinary, and the broken. So I'm thankful for that.
Please pray that God would draw me back to Himself and that I would turn to Him for everything. I tend to run away when I'm feeling down on myself, so please pray that I would instead turn to the One who makes all things new.
Love you guys,
Alison
