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Note: This blog contains pieces of my heart…my heart does not have a time limit.

 
It was not until that night that I got it; that I fully understood the freedom that the Lord had given me just a few days prior. Isn’t our God good?

 
So coming into this race I knew the Lord would break my heart; not the kind that would hurt me, but the healing kind. However, I did not realize that it would happen so soon.  The second week of being in the Philippines I lost it…I was broken and with that I knew I would be walking into new freedoms. The question I had to ask myself, though, was “Are you ready or do you want to keep holding on?”
 
This question kind of slapped in my face; I am not going to lie. At this point of the race I figured I was over him; that my ex did not have any stronghold in my life. But I was wrong…dead wrong. His memory actually consumed my every thought and it started to cause a lot of unwanted agony that kept piercing my heart. I knew coming into the Philippines that there may be a slight chance that certain aspects would hurt me, due to the fact that my ex is half Filipino; but it brought more than that. The truth: I was still holding on to the ‘what ifs’? The ‘What did I do wrong’ questions; instead of just giving my ex completely over to Jesus, I felt the need to hold on.
 
One day, I decided to have ‘God time’ that I knew I had been lacking over the past few weeks. So krissy and I went to a nearby mall and sat in a coffee shop for a good four hours. While she worked on a blog I wrote a 16 page journal entry; most of it being a letter to God. In it, I explained how I had been feeling and how much I wanted to be freed of SO much! I got personal with Jesus for the first time since the race began…It was EXACTLY what I needed! The Lord REALLY spoke and I listened.

 

Well, since I do not feel I will give my heart justice, here is a little excerpt from my journal that explains how I had been feeling:

“I still carry a lot of fear of rejection/abandonment…I have many insecurities…I tend to love others WAY more than myself…I run to things before I run to God…I am WAY to hard on myself…I still feel the need to please people…my mind is consumed with lies-that I am not good enough, that I have nothing to offer, that I was the reason why the relationship did not work…that I make people run…WOW! That REALLY just hit me…that is the truth, though…that is it; I had enough.”

 

The more I wrote, the more Jesus revealed to me:

“I declare right now that I am a STRONG woman of God…I am worthy…I am a treasure…I am beautiful…I am worth listening too…it was NOT MY FAULT that the relationship did not work…I do NOT need to please EVERYONE…I rebuke the lies of Satan/fear/rejection/abandonment…God WILL be first…”

Then freedom came.

Here is some of the letter I wrote to God:

“Dear God, thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me. Thank you for keeping your promises. Thank you for your encouragement, love, respect, and honesty. Thank you for always comforting me. Thank you for dying on the cross for me-for taking away the sins that consume(d) me. I praise your holy name and give you ALL the glory…Father God, right now I ask for forgiveness…from my ex, father, for hurting me in the worse way possible. Father God I pray he comes into a deeper relationship with you, but that he is no longer my problem or worry. Father God, take him from me-I give him to you. He NO LONGER holds me down in chains-I am free! I declare that I no longer have hurt feelings towards my ex nor do I have any other feelings besides a love of a brother in Christ. I declare that I WILL move on with my life and search for more of you God! You have a mighty plan for my life-you have chosen me!”

Throughout the rest of my journal entry I declare things over myself and thank God for his great works:

“Father God, I ask for confidence…be my voice, ears, eyes, heart, and mind…Fill me up and then empty me again…I NEVER want to be comfortable…I long for more of you…you have a big purpose for me…I am not sure what the future hold for me, but I have you so I should not worry…Thank you God for my strength…thank you God for your mercies that are new everyday…thank you for making me exactly the way I am…Father God, I am here…COME! I say YES to you. It may be scary at times, I may feel extremely uncomfortable, but you have my best interest. I TRUST YOU…Father, continue to grow and prosper me-I give myself to you…With love, Alisa”

Jesus broke my heart that day. He brought change that I NEVER saw coming. He made me new.

About a week later, as I sat downstairs getting ready to finish one of my blogs, one of my squad members came down and sat at my table. That morning we all had found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend and I could automatically feel his pain. As we talked that night, the Lord said to declare things over him…so I was obedient. I then went into my story and how I know what it is like to lose someone you really love…then the BIG question came…the one I usually try to run from…

“How long did it take you to get over him?”

So usually this question makes me cringe, due to the fact that I was still NOT over my ex until my day at a small coffee shop the week before. However, the moment he asked that question a joy filled me that I had never experienced before…the truth: I had stepped into the realization at that moment, that GOD DID answer my prayer! That Jesus gave me a new profound freedom that I had SO badly wanted for the past two years. I was NO longer held down by my ex or the feelings I have had for him.

 It was not until that night that I got it; that I fully understood the freedom that the Lord had given me just a few days prior.

Isn’t our God good?